Face Value

In my entry, “Wrinkles and Waves,” I mentioned that I get a daily reminder of my age when I sit down at the mirror in the morning.  I have one of those magnifying mirrors that sits on a dressing table in a sunny window, so I can actually see what I’m doing when I prepare my face to meet the the day.  This ritual usually includes nourishing oil, moisturizing sunscreen and tinted moisturizer.  If I have time I sit at the mirror long enough to deal with stray eyebrows, taking special note of any that have strayed south into chin territory.  Whatever the duration, it is impossible to mistake the passage of time that shows on my skin.

       I have flirted with the idea of seeking one of the modern miracles offered for keeping a youthful face, but there are so many different procedures that it’s daunting.  The dermatologist’s office has brochures about what’s available, and magazine and TV ads show impressive before and after photos.  But when I look at some of the faces on film of women in my age bracket they can be pretty scary!  I figure that celebrities have access to the best in the business, and way more money than I do; yet some of them end up looking so odd.  The results of their cosmetic tinkering gone awry is regular fodder for tabloid cover stories (a particular favorite of mine in the check-out line.)  Clearly, it’s a big gamble choosing the right doctor and the right procedure.  I haven’t ruled out giving something a try in the future but for now I’ll stick with what I know.

       I have had several “spot removal” sessions at the dermatologist over the last few years.  It’s quick, inexpensive, and with no down time.  Don’t know what it’s called but several times I have had spots “frozen” on my arms, hands and face.  They scab up, fall off and are gone or leave a much lighter mark.  I have also had what I think is called a glycolic acid peel.  The solution is applied to my face, left on for about five minutes, and then rinsed off.  My skin looks and feels like I got too much sun, is dry for about a week, flakes a bit and then has a nice glow for quite some time.

       I hadn’t done this in about a year so last week I went in for the mild peel.  When the dermatologist looked at my chart he told me that the last time he had used a certain strength and left it on for so many minutes. He then asked how I had tolerated it.  Using a hazy year old memory of my last session I told him I had a mild reaction.  He asked if I wanted to try a bit stronger and longer.  Well, I wanted to freshen up my face, didn’t I?

       The results, in chronological order:  1) When I rinsed it off after seven stinging minutes, I forgot to close my eyes so it stung my eyes until I remembered to shut them.  2) By the time I got home my face was so “sun burned” that I put ice packs on it 3) The skin around my eyes filled up with fluid and got puffy. 4) The next day I cancelled all plans and stayed in. 

       On day three the real test began. The white caps that I wrote of in my last entry caused me to be in a public place for about five hours.  All I could put on my face before leaving the house was some healing oil, so I was aware that I looked pretty bad.  Puffy-eyed and fiery-faced, I looked as if I had been in some sort of accident.  I was so focused on the task at hand that mostly I forgot my face, but occasionally I did have to interact with people, or make eye contact and I felt uncomfortable.           

        During the hours that I was in public, mostly listening and waiting for it to be over, I reflected on the role my appearance plays in my sense of wellbeing.  Among the things that I noticed was that after awhile my appearance was not on my mind until physical symptoms reminded me – my eyes started to water or my skin felt particularly hot and tight.  Then I would get self-conscious again and think that everyone in the room must be wondering what happened to me.  It is not enjoyable to feel ill at ease, to think everyone thinks that something is wrong with you.  It is also very self-centered.  People have their own issues, their own agendas on their minds, not how I look.  My issues about my appearance are just that, my issues.  My thoughts when I see “flaws” in myself – wrinkles, spots, and extra pounds – are created in my head.  There is not a panel of people I come in contact with rating me on a daily basis.   

       Well, the redness is gone, my eyes are back to normal and there is a nice glow to my skin.  I will probably do this again next year - not quite so long and with my eyes closed tight during the rinse!  And I may indulge in some other skin therapy, but I will make sure that my last look before I step away from the mirror for the day is into the non-magnified side, with my glasses off!  After all, I don’t really want to focus on every flaw, but then I don’t want to erase the passage of time from my face altogether.  Not only would that lead me in the direction of some of the truly scary faces I see on aging celebrities, but it would undo the traces of the passage of time I see in my mirror.  Just as the Old Masters embraced in their paintings, the little black speck on the piece of fruit, the natures mortes, the notion of ‘death in life,’ I want my face to mirror what is happening in my life.

                                 Visiting the zoo I noticed hippo's glowing skin! 

White Caps

       When I am writing, it seems that my life just keeps handing me subject matter!  I start to observe myself; my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings, and voila, there is something to be learned, a choice to be made.  In the last week, I have been presented with a little turbulence, not huge waves, but enough to cause some white caps.  As is always the case, no amount of praying or meditating totally calms my mind when there is a crisis.  The beauty is that turning to prayer and meditation helps me accept and begin to see that my thoughts are luring me into the burden of figuring out and fixing things.

        Each thought has two parts, the information and the emotional reaction.  And, if it involves another person, often the information is a guess, an assumption based on their actions, non-verbal cues or past history.  Anyone who has suspected a loved one of any behavior that is a threat to them or your relationship with them knows what it is like to try to “read the tea leaves.”  You are grabbing at straws, but if you believe what you feel, it doesn’t matter if it’s real.  You suffer the same doubt or fear as if it is a fact. Whether or not it’s all just a projection, my mind gets busy trying to solve the puzzle, trying to figure out whether to spring in to action, what to do.  This sometimes appears as straight up worry, but often it is just a kind of underlying apprehension.  Some worries invade my mind to the degree I feel anxious and have trouble sleeping, but even when it has a lesser impact, a worrisome mind does not make for joyful living!

During this past week I have been able to stand outside of my worry enough to see how I can ease it’s grip.  Of course there are my old standbys, prayer and replacing the thought, but when I am swept away by emotion and can’t stop the mind chatter I need to add another element.  I noticed that I was sighing a lot, even while driving, gardening, exercising or talking, that I needed to take a big breath.  So how about adding some conscious breathing.   There is information online about different breathing exercises for relaxing, stimulating, meditating or for general health and well-being.   If I just inhale slowly through my nose to a count of 6-8 and exhale to a similar count it slows my heart rate and shifts my attention.  This focused, rhythmic breathing, even while in a waiting room or in line at the bank, takes me out of my thoughts and helps bring me back to the present.  It allows me to focus on what I am doing right now, not living something in my mind that may never happen.   

Yes, this is all pretty simple, but it’s the actual doing that is the challenge.  My three-point plan today for a churning mind is:

1. A simple prayer: “God guide me, give me the strength for whatever may come.”  2.  My replacement thought:  All my family on our favorite trip to Vancouver and Whistler, laughing and eating in one of our favorite restaurants. 3. Breathe:  Count as I inhale slowly through the nose, and exhale focusing on the breath as I count.

I feel better already!

Wrinkles and Waves

Of course, the obvious topic for a woman of my age would be the facial lines that appear in my mirror to remind me which direction I’m headed.  When this kind of wrinkle inspires any activity, it usually involves a new facial product or a trip to the dermatologist.  But that will be the topic for another day, perhaps several days, because the mirror is a daily reminder!  Wrinkles in my daily life are usually small problems or upsets, and I have become skilled at moving through them fairly quickly.  They add the texture to my daily life that I have learned to embrace.

       I’m talking waves.  The large ripples to the big swells.  These are the surges, the bursts of feeling that cause a disturbance in the daily flow of my life.  It can be from something that happens to me, but they are often caused when I hear about something happening to someone in my family.  It can be emotional problems, financial difficulties, health challenges, relationship disappointments, work – you name it, if it threatens a loved one, it’s like a ripple in my force field.

       One of the hardest aspects of this is that there’s little if anything I can do about it.  I can listen, give advice (which is not always wanted and sometimes causes an adjunct problem,) sympathize, console and resist the urge to try to fix it - which is my default setting.  This is where the Serenity Prayer needs to play on repeat in my head:  “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”  When the problem is in my own life this is also my prayer, but then I can also take action.  Finding the courage to change the things I can, is often challenging.  Even figuring out what I cannot change and therefore need to accept can be difficult. 

       The figuring things out part is where it can get dicey.  When a problem takes up residence in my mind, it can be difficult to focus on anything else, much less find serenity!  At best I am preoccupied and not really present in my own life, and at worst I am anxious, feel sick and have trouble sleeping.  Recently at an Al-Anon meeting a woman shared an acronym that stuck with me, FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.  This is the parade of endless scenarios my mind churns out about the bad things that will happen if I don’t find the answer, give the right advise, make the best decision, and on and on.  This is when worry has a front row seat in the bleachers in my brain.  How do I stop the vicious cycle of “what if” and “what should I do?” 

       Replace the thought.  Bring the picture of the results you want out of the back of the stadium and up to the front row.  Re-read or listen to Wayne Dyer on “The Power of Intention.”  Or take a look at some of what’s been written about the Law of Attraction or Manifesting.  After I started writing this piece I got up to do morning prayer and meditation with my husband and he read this from the Emmett Fox entry for the day, January 20: “The rule is to think about God, and if you are thinking about your difficulty you are not thinking about God.  To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because that is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God, and nothing else.  Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty right out of your consciousness…”

       How perfectly timed God’s messages are, if only we are listening.  

      

Beginning

       To keep my “end of days” in my consciousness, while being focused on living vibrantly every day, is my challenge.  The first piece of my plan is to add something to a habit I already have in place.  My husband and I start the morning with prayer and meditation.  What we do is determined by how much time we have.  If we are up early enough and don’t have early appointments we start with Wayne Dyer Japa morning meditation, but if there is a time crunch we have short version, and a shorter version, of morning meditation and prayers.  The short version does not include Wayne Dyer but we do read from “One Day at a Time in Al-Anon” and “Around the Year with Emmett Fox.”  The shortest version is going straight to the prayers: one I wrote when our son was a teenager that I have edited to include the whole family and, “St. Patrick’s Breastplate.”

       This is where I will add a prayer to include my intention to live with awareness about my “end of days.”  This is my first go at it.  We will try it out, as part of our morning ritual, and by the praying will find out if it’s what needs to be prayed for.

       “I call upon you, O Lord, my strength, to keep my awareness grounded in the ending of my time on earth, so that I come to you having made the most of the gifts you have given me.”

       I am most definitely a life long prayer.  Prayer has been my refuge, giving me strength in times of trial, and humility in times of success.  For those who have a problem with praying, or the belief in God, I suggest the Alcoholics Anonymous concept of God; a Higher Power as you understand him.  It is surrendering and just accepting that ultimately you are not in control of your life or most certainly your death.  If you were, I’m sure you would join me in declining the opportunity to exit the planet!  Do whatever works for you. Pray to a higher power of reason, truth, beauty, nature, a universal oversoul, a life-giving power, or anything else outside of yourself.  Turn it all over to him.

      

       Now, this is where I must address the seldom-silent ego voice in my head that arrives uninvited to derail my plans.  It could start quietly while I’m just waking with a message that today I should just get up and get busy right away, I don’t need to pray/meditate every day!  Or pop in later in the day when I have planned to write, with a helpful hint that I really should clean out the linen closet!  Mind you, sometimes I do get up really early and start writing or cleaning, but fortunately most of the time my lovely husband finds me and I go back to our bedroom where we say our morning prayers.  And better yet, when I do miss something I am committed to, I let go of most judgment thoughts that tell me I’m not disciplined enough, etc.  This makes for a much more enjoyable day without heaping guilt and recriminations on top of a missed commitment.  My aim, after all, is to have this process add to the quality of my life, not be something that becomes a burden.    

                                      Morning ritual...with Rufus.