Time Well Spent

      

“Time is precious.”  No one disputes this and I often think or hear someone else say, “I need more time in the day.”  “If I only had another day (week, month) I’d be set.”  “What a waste of time that was!”  Time seems like an elusive commodity, and we never have enough.  Even while on vacation seeing amazing sights or sitting by the ocean in a beautiful resort, my mind has traveled to thoughts of how much time I have left until the vacation is over.  Or conversely, if I’m doing something like jury duty or dental work, I hope it moves along quickly and I’m relieved when the time has passed.  Sometimes I look at this as wasting my time, taking away from what I “should” be doing.

       What I “should” be doing is usually arranged by me, agreed to and put on my calendar, or at least a to-do list.  Of course, I deviate all the time from things that aren’t appointments or commitments.  Years ago, while formulating the Lazy Woman rules, the to-do list lost its power over me.  I realized that I made up the list so I stopped letting it make me feel like a failure when I didn’t get everything done.  If the things that don’t get done are important, they just carry over to the next list.  Somehow I manage the time-sensitive things like mailing the taxes and making the deposits and feeding all the animals.  The rest gets done in a somewhat more haphazard manner.

       
Sometimes it seems to smack me in the face, this racing time, like my life is a runaway train.  I get the sense that I’m not keeping up with all I want to be, or do, or see.  Then I can have a somewhat frantic response of needing to figure it out, get busy, make a bucket list, plan for our retirement, “get our affairs in order,” so to speak.  We have begun cleaning up our estate plans and at least have a list of loose ends that need to be tied up in that area, but what I really seek is to slow down my inner experience of time.  I don’t want to be frantically trying to make the most of my time, with the remaining time that I have left!  

       Recent musings about time:  My husband, J.P., has been playing phone tag for several months with an old friend he hadn’t spent much time with in several years.  They had discussed getting together for lunch, but never booked it.  One morning last week J.P. had three appointments cancel and he had a rare wide-open day.  He called his friend and arranged to come pick him up for lunch.  As he described it to me that evening, his day was full of surprises.  The first thing he shared is that his friend, our age, is in poor health with what can be lumped into the “old age” category – trouble walking, trouble seeing and trouble focusing.  He’s not driving anymore and has way reduced his activities.  The five hours they spent together enriched J.P.’s life in several ways.  He said he was overwhelmed with a combination of gratitude for his own good health, compassion for his friend and a sense of commitment to being in his friend’s life on a regular basis.  He said it was as if time was suspended that day.  He never felt rushed, never checked his cell phone and had a sense that he was in the perfect place all day.  Mind you, this is a man who usually has to monitor his cell phone at all times!  He had shifted his priorities and was full of gratitude, with a strong sense of purpose.  Time well spent.

       Later in the week, I was on my way home from my morning work out, lunch with my ladies from the gym, and senior day at the car wash.  I had lots planned for the rest of the day - working in my yard, in my house and at my desk.  I had come almost all the way up the hill from town when the phone rang in my car and it was J.P.  He was in Beverly Hills with a broken down truck and an afternoon filled with appointments.  He needed me to come and get him and drive around while he finished his appointments.  Oh, how I wanted to get out of giving up my plans, and having to drive around L.A. in afternoon traffic. 

       As I turned my car around and got back on the freeway, my mind was swirling with all sorts of thoughts like “what if I had an appointment or important plans” - which I didn’t.  I was cranky and full of self-pity as I negotiated the traffic.  Fortunately I caught-on to my wallowing ways, shifted my focus and turned the radio on.  The trip across town went fairly quickly considering the traffic, thanks to my husband’s directions (he’s a walking, talking map of L.A.) and I drove straight to where he was stranded.  We finished the rest of his appointments with me driving and him directing and talking on his cell phone.  We didn’t get home until after 7:00 but we did it together, with some conversation and even a little laughter along the way. 

       I am so blessed that I can usually catch my mind before it drags me into a nightmare of resentment and negativity.  I spent my time differently that day than I had planned.  I “lost” the time I had allotted for certain chores.   Who knows if some of them will ever get done?  Oh well, at the moment, I can’t even remember what they were, but I had a happy day with my husband, and have a renewed and fresh appreciation of how he spends a great deal of his time, providing for the life we enjoy.  Time well spent. 

Don't Take Things Personally

       When I was writing “The Lazy Woman’s Guide to Just About Everything” with my friend Bridget Fonger, I tried not to read any “self-help” or inspirational material.  I know my mind is somewhat like a sponge that indiscriminately picks up whatever it touches.  This can be useful, but it can’t be controlled.  Often it is something that I only realize I remember when playing a game like Trivial Pursuit.  Then I don’t even know how I know something, or where the information came from.  I wanted to avoid unknowingly plagiarizing. 

       One day when I arrived at the cute little cottage where Bridget was living at the time, she was on the phone.  I sat down next to her desk and was greeted by her dog Charlie.  After our hello encounter he went back to his toys and I looked over at the book on her desk.  She had mentioned really liking it and I liked the cover art so I picked it up.  It was “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.  I opened it to check out the format since we were beginning to debate the format for our own book.  As I flipped through the pages I read this bold print: “Don’t take anything personally.”  This was right up my Lazy Woman alley.  What a simple yet profound statement.  It went along with our commandment number five, “You can either be right or be happy.” 

       Bridget’s call ended and we got to work, but my spongy mind didn’t forget.  That was all I ever read of that book, but I use it often.  Over the years I shared that advice and recommended the book to several people plagued with resentment.  A man I meet at the pool at a dude ranch in Wyoming was sharing about some of his family issues.  Yes, I am the kind of person who seems to have this type of exchange with random people!  It was a very brief encounter but I shared the wisdom from Don Miguel Ruiz and recommended the book.  Several days later when we were about to leave, he came up and told me what a powerful impact that advice had already had on his life.  He had been applying it to the relationship that had been troubling him, and it had already made a huge difference.

       When I think about what it is that often creates contention in my life, it is not so much the event, but the reaction I have to it.  Even the everyday things like criticism by my husband or children can create waves if I take it personally.  Now, I’m not saying there isn’t any sting, a momentary flash of “how could they think that about me?”  But the genius comes in the letting go of the “insult,” the choice to not take it personally.  I have been consciously practicing this for quite a few years and it makes for a much more peaceful life.

       Once, we went for a weekend visit with friends who had retired to an amazing bucolic spread.  We had a beautifully prepared dinner, warm conversation and retired to our lovely guest quarters.  When we woke in the morning we found that our hostess had been called away on an emergency, so we spent the rest of the weekend as a threesome.  This was a bit odd, but fortunately we didn’t take it personally and enjoyed the rest of the trip.  Several years later, we got the same invitation and joined our friends for another weekend visit.  Another beautifully prepared meal, welcoming after dinner chatter and lovely guest quarters awaited us.  When our hostess wasn’t there in the morning, again called away on an emergency, it was impossible not to have some mind chatter.  I thought back on the night before, but couldn’t come up with anything that we said or did that could have been problematic.  There were no heated debates or secrets revealed over too much wine.  Frankly, it was all so pleasant that it was a mystery.  Not taking it personally made it possible to enjoy another long weekend.

       These two strange encounters were a warm up for a very odd event that happen more recently.  I had only one sibling, my brother Paul, who died suddenly in his early fifties.  His wife and I had never been real close but after he died she became more involved in my widowed mother’s life and therefore in mine.  For at least ten years we shared season tickets to the theater, a gift from my mom.  We also spent time helping my mom through her last years.  My sister-in-law helped with her finances and I did all the doctor’s visits and medicine.  We actually spent more time together, including whole family events like birthdays, holidays and weddings, but after my mom died we could go months without contact.  Usually, I called the week before a theater date because the tickets came to me. When I called both her home phone and her cell phone and got the “no longer in service” message, and her email could not be delivered, it didn’t take me long to put together the pieces. 

       Over dinner at our last theater outing she had told me about how she and her long time boy friend were planning to move permanently to his retirement home now that they were both retired.  We chatted about retirement, how to downsize and future plans.  She also brought me a small box with some of my brother’s family mementoes.  Now, this had never been a relationship I would call close.  I am more of an open book, and she was a little hard to read, but we had been through some challenging times, and we worked well together.  It was only after she moved without telling me and leaving no information on how to reach her, that I realized she was moving on, without including any of her late husband’s family.  What a perfect opportunity to “not take it personally.”  This is what she wanted as she moved forward in her life.  Any one else can have opinions about what she could have or should have done, but why judge, it’s her life.  I wish her well.  I hope she is happy.  

 “Don’t take things personally.” 

              Beauty the duck has to practice "don't take it personally" with the hens every day.

Face Value

In my entry, “Wrinkles and Waves,” I mentioned that I get a daily reminder of my age when I sit down at the mirror in the morning.  I have one of those magnifying mirrors that sits on a dressing table in a sunny window, so I can actually see what I’m doing when I prepare my face to meet the the day.  This ritual usually includes nourishing oil, moisturizing sunscreen and tinted moisturizer.  If I have time I sit at the mirror long enough to deal with stray eyebrows, taking special note of any that have strayed south into chin territory.  Whatever the duration, it is impossible to mistake the passage of time that shows on my skin.

       I have flirted with the idea of seeking one of the modern miracles offered for keeping a youthful face, but there are so many different procedures that it’s daunting.  The dermatologist’s office has brochures about what’s available, and magazine and TV ads show impressive before and after photos.  But when I look at some of the faces on film of women in my age bracket they can be pretty scary!  I figure that celebrities have access to the best in the business, and way more money than I do; yet some of them end up looking so odd.  The results of their cosmetic tinkering gone awry is regular fodder for tabloid cover stories (a particular favorite of mine in the check-out line.)  Clearly, it’s a big gamble choosing the right doctor and the right procedure.  I haven’t ruled out giving something a try in the future but for now I’ll stick with what I know.

       I have had several “spot removal” sessions at the dermatologist over the last few years.  It’s quick, inexpensive, and with no down time.  Don’t know what it’s called but several times I have had spots “frozen” on my arms, hands and face.  They scab up, fall off and are gone or leave a much lighter mark.  I have also had what I think is called a glycolic acid peel.  The solution is applied to my face, left on for about five minutes, and then rinsed off.  My skin looks and feels like I got too much sun, is dry for about a week, flakes a bit and then has a nice glow for quite some time.

       I hadn’t done this in about a year so last week I went in for the mild peel.  When the dermatologist looked at my chart he told me that the last time he had used a certain strength and left it on for so many minutes. He then asked how I had tolerated it.  Using a hazy year old memory of my last session I told him I had a mild reaction.  He asked if I wanted to try a bit stronger and longer.  Well, I wanted to freshen up my face, didn’t I?

       The results, in chronological order:  1) When I rinsed it off after seven stinging minutes, I forgot to close my eyes so it stung my eyes until I remembered to shut them.  2) By the time I got home my face was so “sun burned” that I put ice packs on it 3) The skin around my eyes filled up with fluid and got puffy. 4) The next day I cancelled all plans and stayed in. 

       On day three the real test began. The white caps that I wrote of in my last entry caused me to be in a public place for about five hours.  All I could put on my face before leaving the house was some healing oil, so I was aware that I looked pretty bad.  Puffy-eyed and fiery-faced, I looked as if I had been in some sort of accident.  I was so focused on the task at hand that mostly I forgot my face, but occasionally I did have to interact with people, or make eye contact and I felt uncomfortable.           

        During the hours that I was in public, mostly listening and waiting for it to be over, I reflected on the role my appearance plays in my sense of wellbeing.  Among the things that I noticed was that after awhile my appearance was not on my mind until physical symptoms reminded me – my eyes started to water or my skin felt particularly hot and tight.  Then I would get self-conscious again and think that everyone in the room must be wondering what happened to me.  It is not enjoyable to feel ill at ease, to think everyone thinks that something is wrong with you.  It is also very self-centered.  People have their own issues, their own agendas on their minds, not how I look.  My issues about my appearance are just that, my issues.  My thoughts when I see “flaws” in myself – wrinkles, spots, and extra pounds – are created in my head.  There is not a panel of people I come in contact with rating me on a daily basis.   

       Well, the redness is gone, my eyes are back to normal and there is a nice glow to my skin.  I will probably do this again next year - not quite so long and with my eyes closed tight during the rinse!  And I may indulge in some other skin therapy, but I will make sure that my last look before I step away from the mirror for the day is into the non-magnified side, with my glasses off!  After all, I don’t really want to focus on every flaw, but then I don’t want to erase the passage of time from my face altogether.  Not only would that lead me in the direction of some of the truly scary faces I see on aging celebrities, but it would undo the traces of the passage of time I see in my mirror.  Just as the Old Masters embraced in their paintings, the little black speck on the piece of fruit, the natures mortes, the notion of ‘death in life,’ I want my face to mirror what is happening in my life.

                                 Visiting the zoo I noticed hippo's glowing skin! 

White Caps

       When I am writing, it seems that my life just keeps handing me subject matter!  I start to observe myself; my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings, and voila, there is something to be learned, a choice to be made.  In the last week, I have been presented with a little turbulence, not huge waves, but enough to cause some white caps.  As is always the case, no amount of praying or meditating totally calms my mind when there is a crisis.  The beauty is that turning to prayer and meditation helps me accept and begin to see that my thoughts are luring me into the burden of figuring out and fixing things.

        Each thought has two parts, the information and the emotional reaction.  And, if it involves another person, often the information is a guess, an assumption based on their actions, non-verbal cues or past history.  Anyone who has suspected a loved one of any behavior that is a threat to them or your relationship with them knows what it is like to try to “read the tea leaves.”  You are grabbing at straws, but if you believe what you feel, it doesn’t matter if it’s real.  You suffer the same doubt or fear as if it is a fact. Whether or not it’s all just a projection, my mind gets busy trying to solve the puzzle, trying to figure out whether to spring in to action, what to do.  This sometimes appears as straight up worry, but often it is just a kind of underlying apprehension.  Some worries invade my mind to the degree I feel anxious and have trouble sleeping, but even when it has a lesser impact, a worrisome mind does not make for joyful living!

During this past week I have been able to stand outside of my worry enough to see how I can ease it’s grip.  Of course there are my old standbys, prayer and replacing the thought, but when I am swept away by emotion and can’t stop the mind chatter I need to add another element.  I noticed that I was sighing a lot, even while driving, gardening, exercising or talking, that I needed to take a big breath.  So how about adding some conscious breathing.   There is information online about different breathing exercises for relaxing, stimulating, meditating or for general health and well-being.   If I just inhale slowly through my nose to a count of 6-8 and exhale to a similar count it slows my heart rate and shifts my attention.  This focused, rhythmic breathing, even while in a waiting room or in line at the bank, takes me out of my thoughts and helps bring me back to the present.  It allows me to focus on what I am doing right now, not living something in my mind that may never happen.   

Yes, this is all pretty simple, but it’s the actual doing that is the challenge.  My three-point plan today for a churning mind is:

1. A simple prayer: “God guide me, give me the strength for whatever may come.”  2.  My replacement thought:  All my family on our favorite trip to Vancouver and Whistler, laughing and eating in one of our favorite restaurants. 3. Breathe:  Count as I inhale slowly through the nose, and exhale focusing on the breath as I count.

I feel better already!

Wrinkles and Waves

Of course, the obvious topic for a woman of my age would be the facial lines that appear in my mirror to remind me which direction I’m headed.  When this kind of wrinkle inspires any activity, it usually involves a new facial product or a trip to the dermatologist.  But that will be the topic for another day, perhaps several days, because the mirror is a daily reminder!  Wrinkles in my daily life are usually small problems or upsets, and I have become skilled at moving through them fairly quickly.  They add the texture to my daily life that I have learned to embrace.

       I’m talking waves.  The large ripples to the big swells.  These are the surges, the bursts of feeling that cause a disturbance in the daily flow of my life.  It can be from something that happens to me, but they are often caused when I hear about something happening to someone in my family.  It can be emotional problems, financial difficulties, health challenges, relationship disappointments, work – you name it, if it threatens a loved one, it’s like a ripple in my force field.

       One of the hardest aspects of this is that there’s little if anything I can do about it.  I can listen, give advice (which is not always wanted and sometimes causes an adjunct problem,) sympathize, console and resist the urge to try to fix it - which is my default setting.  This is where the Serenity Prayer needs to play on repeat in my head:  “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”  When the problem is in my own life this is also my prayer, but then I can also take action.  Finding the courage to change the things I can, is often challenging.  Even figuring out what I cannot change and therefore need to accept can be difficult. 

       The figuring things out part is where it can get dicey.  When a problem takes up residence in my mind, it can be difficult to focus on anything else, much less find serenity!  At best I am preoccupied and not really present in my own life, and at worst I am anxious, feel sick and have trouble sleeping.  Recently at an Al-Anon meeting a woman shared an acronym that stuck with me, FEAR: Future Events Already Ruined.  This is the parade of endless scenarios my mind churns out about the bad things that will happen if I don’t find the answer, give the right advise, make the best decision, and on and on.  This is when worry has a front row seat in the bleachers in my brain.  How do I stop the vicious cycle of “what if” and “what should I do?” 

       Replace the thought.  Bring the picture of the results you want out of the back of the stadium and up to the front row.  Re-read or listen to Wayne Dyer on “The Power of Intention.”  Or take a look at some of what’s been written about the Law of Attraction or Manifesting.  After I started writing this piece I got up to do morning prayer and meditation with my husband and he read this from the Emmett Fox entry for the day, January 20: “The rule is to think about God, and if you are thinking about your difficulty you are not thinking about God.  To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because that is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God, and nothing else.  Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty right out of your consciousness…”

       How perfectly timed God’s messages are, if only we are listening.