Holiday Ebb and Flow

                     

       Holidays are traditionally pictured with families gathered in various forms of celebration.  The images in books, magazines, movies, and most certainly in any advertising media, emphasize the family aspect of this holiday.  It is easy to feel like an odd man out at this time of the year, even if you are with family.  Sibling rivalry, married with children, no children, no partner, unmet desires for your life - these can all make holiday gatherings difficult.  The expectation to be a part of a loving family can shine the spotlight on flaws in your family ties and bring any grievances bubbling to the surface.  If you have any open wounds or major fractures in your familial relationships this can be the Titanic of holidays!

       I mentioned last time I was going to a party with extended family where I was on the “fringe” so to speak.  I am the last remaining member of my original family of four.  I have little to no contact with my father’s side of the family, but there is one branch on my mother’s side that is still in my life.  My uncle Don is 89 - the only family member still alive who is higher than me on the family tree – and these are his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  There are no fractures in my relationships with these family members and we share a lot of history, but little recent contact.  There are about 25 adults and loads of children - with two more on the way.  The children range from one to sixteen and although I know who’s who, I probably haven’t spoken to many of them.  I’ve never wanted to be that somewhat distant relative who needs recognition, or God forbid, a kiss for Auntie Judie! 

       This is a lovely Christmas party and it’s fun to see everyone and catch up with the three cousins I grew up with.  Each of these women married stellar men that became imbedded in our family, as did my stellar husband!  Maureen’s husband Mike died way too young, but in the years he was in our lives he was a loving and holy addition.  He is much missed, revered by everyone whose life he touched and still present in many conversations.  Tom and Jim are also men of faith, and I always feel blessed after connecting with them, no matter how short or infrequent our visits.  If you are a “once a year” relative at a family party that crosses generations and includes many people that are in each others lives regularly, it’s most enjoyable to leave your expectations for inclusion at home.  As with the party where I knew no one, the beauty is in the genuine connections.  One of my favorite moments this year was talking with the husband of one of my cousin’s daughters.  He is someone I really only know from his Facebook posts, but I loved talking with him about the beautiful pictures he posts and his hobbies.

       The ability to adapt your holiday expectations of family participation can make or break your holidays.  When we were first married we lived about a day’s drive from my parents.  They made it easy for us.  Christmas celebrations were on whatever day we could be there.  There was no pressure or disappointment if we couldn’t be there on the 24^th or 25^th, just happiness and joy when we gathered.  I learned from them to make the day we were together the “real” Christmas.

                         

         My dad died at sixty, which from my vantage point of seventy is very young, and within a year my mom was dating.  This meant that our holiday gatherings began to include her current boyfriend and sometimes even his family!  Now, this was not the top choice for our family, especially our teenaged daughters.  In order to make Christmas day more fun, we had brunch and gift opening at my mothers with her “guests,” then we added a late afternoon movie.  Our adaptation ended up creating a new tradition that our movie-loving family members still look forward to.  This year is no exception with most of the family going to see “Unbroken” (several of us read and loved the book,) Lisa taking the younger kids to “Annie,” and then meeting after for a Chinese food dinner – another tradition started when we were balancing out my mother’s “boyfriend with family” holiday gatherings! 

       I guess it’s really just what applies to all of life.  If you let go of any ridged pictures of what the holiday should be like, you can relax and enjoy the moment.  No matter how frantic the preparations become, whatever loose ends never get tied up, in the end, the only way to have fun is be ok with what is.  It’s just the ebb and flow of life, so why not enjoy the ride.

                       

Christmas Eve day at Magic Mountain - 20 years & counting!

                          

'Tis the Season to Be Jolly?

                                   

Christmas tree close-up

                                 

                                     

     

        How come this season of celebrating often feels a little frantic, chaotic or even unsettling?  I’m not pondering the true meaning of Christmas, Hanukkah or any other combination of winter celebrations.  It’s just the time of year when we have certain expectations – about decorations, gifts, food, family gatherings and other “holiday” parties.  For me this generates a mixed bag of emotions.  I love Christmas decorations and I love putting out these once a year treasures.  What I must watch for is getting carried away and having my setting-up stage exhaust me to a point where the fun falls into the minus pool.  Anyone who has ever seen my Christmas tree probably thinks I am understating this reality.  This year I did put a stop notice on my tree decorating by packing up the boxes and putting them away before I could haul out more ornaments.  And yes, I could still see places on the tree where I could have fit another one! 

       In the decorating department I can hold the chaos down by reining myself in and thinking ahead to how much time a project will take.  No more late night spur of the moment starting the winter wonderland village in the library, then spending the next three days working on it because I got too far in to turn back.  This takes a little discipline at the outset but saves my bacon in the realm of exhaustion.  When it comes to parties, I have orchestrated a “Santa” party for the last twenty years.  It started when my 25 year old son was in pre-school and I had the bright idea to rent a Santa suit, enlist someone to wear it and invite his new friends and their families for a visit from Santa.  It involves a potluck meal, singing Christmas songs and a “surprise” visit from Santa (in the suit that lives in my attic!)  I have everyone give me a wrapped book for his or her child ahead of time, so that it can be pulled from Santa’s pack!  The children, sitting on the rug in the entry looking up the big staircase for Santa, backed by their parents, all singing carols, wait for the sound of reindeer bells and ho, ho, ho as Santa finally circles down the stairs.  Since I am often one of Santa’s “helpers” I get to see their faces and that makes all my party preparation worthwhile. 

       We also have each family bring an un-wrapped toy to donate to a local foster children’s group home and delivering those toys is very satisfying. I started this for my young son and have worked through my four grandchildren, each of them continuing to get a book from Santa well into their teens.  I love that they are willing to participate and keep the magic alive for the younger ones, and my seven-year-old grandson Owen is fully on-board.  The party has grown in numbers to include friends who have small children and friends of friends.  This is a party where all the work pays off and I get the gift of sharing my abundance.

       There are two kinds of holiday parties that I find challenging:  the ones where everyone seems to know each other and I don’t know anyone, and the one where I know people, perhaps I’m even related to them, and yet I haven’t seen them in a long time and they are talking about shared experiences where I haven’t a clue.  I went to the first kind of party last weekend.  It was hosted by a lovely couple we’ve known for years that live about an hour from us.  They have a beautiful home, decked out for Christmas, and jam-packed with chatting guests.  Most of their friends come from two places – college and the golf club, with some overlap.  We are among the few that fall into neither category.

       This is a case of entering their open front door to a room full of people, in groups of lively conversations.  The hostess greets us, we have a few moments with her and it is off into the fray to find her husband.  Since my husband is the one person I am sure to know, I try to stay with him but we got separated making our way through the crowded rooms heading toward the bar on the patio.  I found myself in a small hallway and realized I was totally on my own in a sea of strangers.  For a moment I panicked and didn’t really know where to go, when I noticed a large pin-up board covered with snapshots.  There must have been a hundred of them and I began to look at each one.  Many of them were with their friends on different golf courses, some that looked like resort vacation shots and plenty with different friends around the table raising their glasses in a toast.  As I became more focused on each photo, seeing each element, I realized that I had lost most of my discomfort and had become very calm.  I was actually applying “Lazy Woman” commandment #2 and experiencing the moment I was living while I was living it!

       I realized that I was no longer absorbed by the thoughts in my head, but was looking with awareness at the details of each photo.  When I finally left the small hall and found my husband on the patio, I was calm and able to actually be present with the people I introduced myself to.  I chatted with a warm and friendly man who told me how his wife had been diagnosed two years ago with dementia and would have been too overwhelmed by the party so she had stayed at home.  He talked of how they were handling it, they way they adapted their lifestyle to still enjoy where they were right now.  His sharing was a greater example of the shift I had made in the hallway when I stopped focusing on the negative – not knowing anyone – and started to just enjoy the moment.  He said that they pray every morning, to just enjoy the day, whatever it brings. 

       Next weekend brings the second kind of challenging party with extended family that I am kind of a part of, but on the outer edge, so to speak.  Here is another opportunity to practice what I preach, and go to the party with awareness and openness.  If I only really connect with one person, like the lovely man I chatted with last weekend, it is a heartwarming moment that enriches my holiday spirit.  

                                                 

It's not Christmas 'til there are monkeys on the mantle!

     

       

Give Thanks: Gratitude to the Rescue

                             

     During our Thanksgiving meal we have a tradition of going around the table to say what we are thankful for.  This is sometimes a nervous moment with thoughts of not knowing what to say, how to express it or not really feeling thankful. About a month before Thanksgiving we were gathered in the backyard for breakfast and someone (I will not mention his name) suggested we replace this tradition with something that ticked us off.  Our dark Irish humor took hold and the banter went on with people upping the ante by proposing we pick out someone at the table that annoyed us, and finally the suggestion that it be an ritual where we pick a name out of a hat, secret Santa style, and then people had to guess who you were describing.  Although this idea was of course scraped, we do play games in the library after dinner that always include Taboo or Pictionary where we laugh at each other.

       Thoughts of what I am thankful for have been swirling around in my brain much like the soon to arrive “visions of sugarplums” dancing in my head.  There is much that I love about the holidays. I love fall weather (which in my world means I might need a sweater when the sun goes down) and the view from my office includes some liquid amber trees that are flaming.  I love pumpkins, Day of the Dead celebrations, harvest décor, the family gathering at Thanksgiving and my all time favorite – the Christmas tree.  There are some in my family who are not too fond of the holiday season.  It doesn’t matter if it is from childhood holiday disappointment, a current life situation or a physical or emotional difficulty, the holidays can certainly intensify your anxiety level.

       This is where gratitude comes to the rescue.  Gratitude is the antidote to discontent.  It puts the focus on what you do have, what is right in your world.  As author and commentator Dennis Prager says, “happiness is a choice” and it often starts with focusing on the good things in your life.  So often we just take the blessings for granted, and it’s not until we lose something that we realize we how much we had.  

       The real enemy of gratitude is envy.  Why is it that the mind usually goes to the people who have more than us when we are comparing lives?  There is a line in a novel by Maurice Druon set in the 13^th century that struck me as very applicable to today’s zeitgeist: “Of course people complained, but not so much of being destitute as of being unable to satisfy all their desires.  People complained of being less rich than the richest, of having less than those who had everything.”   Yesterday I saw a video online of a child in another country from a family of little means.  He was opening a present and it was a small cutting board.  He was so sweet and said how much he would enjoy using it when he helped chopped food for meals.  Then his parents handed him another gift.  They had saved to buy him an electronic tablet.  He had no idea and when he opened it he was in awe and couldn’t stop crying, smiling and thanking them.  Gratitude is not about how much you have; it is about whether you appreciate what you do have. 

       I want to make sure, as I spend each precious day, that I remember this, so I have added an evening prayer of thanksgiving:

God, Thank You for another day.

For every breath I take, 

For the steady beating of my heart.

Thank You for the love of family and friends, 

The joy of animals and the beauty of nature.

I am thankful for the willingness to seek self-understanding,
And the courage to look at my shortcomings.

I am grateful for food to ease my hunger,
And health that lets me stay active.

Thank You for the roof over my head
And a warm bed to rest my body.

Thank You for sleep when it comes,
And the gift of prayer when it doesn’t.


“I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer,
My God, my rock in whom I take refuge,
My shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

Psalm 18

                            

Chickens give thanks for mealworm feast!

The Three Foot Wall

     
                                               

      I love the Serenity Prayer.  For anyone not familiar with it, it goes, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Saying it always makes me feel better.  Maybe I won’t be able to discern what I can and cannot change, but at least it underlines the reality that there are many things I have no control over.  Otherwise my mind is a little like a dog with an empty peanut butter jar – relentless to get at what it can’t reach, frustrated and stuck trying!

       For so much of my life I have felt compelled to try to solve any problem that came my way - mine or anyone else’s who confided in me.  I was going to say “anyone who asked for my help,” but honestly, most of the time I volunteered or just jumped right in.  This, of course, is worth a whole thesis on my well honed enabling, but that can come at a later date!

       Last night I was listening to an interview with Navy Seal, Mark Owen, who was describing some of the best advice he had ever received.  He was telling about a rock- climbing trip when at three hundred feet up he froze.  The instructor made his way over to him and said, “ ‘Hey buddy. Stay in your three-foot world.’ ‘What are you, what the hell are you talking about?’ He says, ‘Look, you can't affect anything outside of three feet around you, can you?’ I'm like, ‘Well, no.’ ‘So stay in your three-foot world. Look inside your three-foot world, find the next hand hold, and climb your way out.’ I climbed my way out, and I've applied that analogy to so many things in my life. If I can't affect them, don't worry about it. You can't. People waste so much of their time and-- and effort worrying about things outside of their control. Learn from them, move on, and don't worry about it.’ “

          For me, this concept applies to everything.  When faced with simple daily problems it translates into doing what is at hand and/or vital to accomplish that day. Often it’s just the car repair, doctor’s appointment, daily calendar items, and sometimes it’s household maintenance emergencies.  If I relax and move through the day most things get done, and the rest just moves to a later date.  It can actually enhance any efforts to get things done NOW instead of waiting until you can do a better job of it – which in my case can lead to unlimited procrastination! 

         When it’s greater “life” problems often there is nothing I can do at the moment, and thinking about future difficulties just saps my energy with F.E.A.R. (Future Events Already Ruined) thinking!  I am especially prone to paralysis when the issues are in someone else’s hands.  If I am dependent on another person’s actions it creates a whole different level of concern.  It doesn’t matter if it’s my issue or a concern I have about how someone I care about is managing their life, I usually have some pretty clear ideas of what would be best for me (them.)  The three foot world view keeps my attention on what is right in front of me instead of in someone else’s life or in the future.  It really is another way of visualizing the “one step at a time” credo.   

         Focusing on my “three foot world” energizes me.  Right now, instead of looking up my old blog entries to re-write in my head (correcting the flaws that are all too obvious from my current perspective,) clicking around online, or stopping to take a break hoping I will come up with an inspired finish, I will just wrap up this entry.  When I am contained in my three foot world my tendency to over think, decide and re-decide how to do something, or become mired in my desire to find the perfect solution, gives way to just finding the next handhold and climbing my way out.

Chicken getting off the wall.