PACKING MY BAGS WITH GRATITUDE, FORGIVENESS AND AN OPEN HEART

                                                         

When packing for my 50^th college reunion I was trying to put together some flattering outfits that were suitable for the different occasions.  I wanted to chose clothes that were the most stylish, didn’t make me feel like I was in a sausage casing (but also weren’t baggy) and then, of course, I had to find cute shoes that would not cut off the circulation in my toes.  As I was looking through my choices and actually trying things on in front of a mirror (really not much fun) I had plenty of time to think about the different events and people I would see.  I looked forward to seeing old friends but there were a couple of people I was a little wary of seeing.

       It can be challenging sometimes to find your fit with people you see socially on a regular basis, but this can increase when it’s a group of friends and acquaintances you haven’t seen in years.  There can’t help but be an element of assessing how people have aged, and I just didn’t want to look the “oldest!”   Even when I was confident that I had made the best choices with my wardrobe, I was still a little apprehensive how I would fit in with the group.  My husband and I were a couple starting in our sophomore year of college, so I was somewhat MIA from many dorm activities and girl’s connections.  It probably doesn’t help that I tend to be pretty independent, and at that stage of life mostly focused on myself, and clueless as to how my attitude affected others.

                                  

       Social media has created a window into who are getting together, where they are traveling, what they are celebrating, and perhaps, a false sense of connectedness.  I realized that I don’t really know what’s going on in another person’s life.  Judging them by their posted pictures, phone calls they didn’t return or invitations not received is going to block any chance I have for connection with others.  There is a key to acceptance and forgiveness articulated in a book I never read (my husband did) called “The Four Agreements,” but I have its tenets in a magnet on my fridge.  This principal has changed my life – “Don’t take it personal.”  Doing this resolves every perceived slight or exclusion.  It creates an open heart, which is all you really need to enjoy anyone’s company.

       As I finished packing my wandering mind hit upon how grateful I was for the people and places I have experienced over the years.  I am not in college anymore and it’s ok to feel awkward with people I haven’t seen in years.  Fifty-one years into my marriage I can honestly say it is better than ever and much of that quality is due to our realization that forgiveness and gratitude are the keys to that happiness.  There it was - the only things I really needed to bring to our reunion were gratitude, forgiveness and an open heart.  

                                         

 

"I'M STUFFING THE DOG BEDS"

       There are three people who will laugh and know right away the meaning of “I’m stuffing the dog beds.”   Years ago when we were moving out of the home our children had grown up in there was a frenzy of activity on the final day.  No movers for us.  We were just going a few miles up the hill from Pasadena to Altadena.  We had hired a few big guys to help us and we had all our girls helping.  Most of it was moving boxes and furniture, but it was twenty-five years of accumulation.  Plus I will now out myself as a bit of a “collector.”   I am not a hoarder - and I know this because mostly my stuff is quite organized and useful, or might be some time in the future!  The location for most of these treasures was a basement that was really like an old cellar.  When the house was built in 1908 it had been accessed from the outside.  Somewhere along the years a remodel put stairs leading down from the kitchen.  Let’s just say that our children made the basement into a haunted house more than once, and just the steps down, past a crawlspace lit by far off outside screen vents, creeped people out.

       To be fair to myself, I had spent hours sorting through (I swear I did throw some things out) and boxing most of my supplies.  Oh, I forgot to say I’m a bit of a crafter, or crafting supplies collector, but that is another subject.  I think you can see that this is an area that I didn’t really want any help preparing (meaning I did not want my husband anywhere near this stuff.)  He had the garage - I had the basement!  The other bit of a “black hole” was the laundry room.  Of course, there was the easy stuff in there like the washer and dryer, ironing board, iron and laundry supplies.  But there were also some of the drawers full of an assortment of useful tools and misfit fit pieces you might need.  Doesn’t everyone have a junk drawer (or drawers)?  We also keep the pet supplies in there.

       The stage is now set for a moment my daughters will never let me forget.  I might add at by way of explanation, that I am a combo of a big preparer, with lists galore, and a bit of a loose cannon when the moment finally arrives.  At this point in the move I was all over the place tying up loose ends and answering every question.  In my over-preparation I had wanted to make sure the dog beds were clean and had new stuffing, not wanting to move dirty dog beds.  I know, many people would just throw out the old beds and get new ones, but not this child of a depression era mother.  I had taken out the old stuffing, purchased new stuffing and washed the covers, not quite finishing (another subject) with the re-stuffing before moving day.  When it came time to move things from the kitchen and the laundry room I ran into the laundry room with the stuffing and shut the door.  Unfortunately, I was needed to answer a question and one of my daughters found me on the floor in the process of stuffing.  When she exclaimed, “What are you doing?” I answered, “I’m stuffing the dog beds.” 

                                      

Shanky Girl our visiting dog

                                 

       She was, as most would be finding their mother on the floor of the laundry room midst dog bed stuffing at the height of moving day, incredulous.  After exclaiming, “What?” several times she ran to get her sisters, muttering, “They’ve got to see this.”  I, of course, did the only thing I could at this point and finished the task.  This moment has been brought up occasionally over the years, usually when I am way off task in a group endeavor.  Although, I feel like what I’m doing is legitimate, I can see a pattern.  Which is why I was able to catch myself the other day in a “stuffing the dog beds” moment.

                                

This is after I'd already thrown some things out! 

                            

       We have been re-doing big sections of our back yard for months. Like many household projects, it has expanded and taken over much of my time. Now, the finishing details are colliding with our travel to our son’s wedding and our return to host a reception in our garden.  I have so much to do in so many different areas that my lists have lists!  Having the whole house and garden ready, and leaving my animals and garden care organized for the house sitter is my priority.  Yet I found myself in a full on “stuffing the dog beds” moment and again, once I had started I had to finish.  For months I have wanted to clean out a storage box of yard equipment by the back door.  Every time I opened it I thought about it, and several days ago I impulsively dumped out its contents.  This is no quick task as it involves throwing things away - always hard for me because I am worried that I might throw away the loose glove then find the partner, or the loose lid might go to something or “maybe I’ll need that someday.”  As I sat on the terrace surrounded by the random contents I had dumped out, I realized that it must be somehow soothing to me to take on a task where I can see an end, when I am in a stressful, seemingly endless endeavor.   Now I have an organized storage box and a little insight into why I can get off track in the middle of a long project. 

OFTEN YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO DO TO HAVE THE THINGS YOU WANT

                                                             

            

       Last week my husband and I were looking forward to spending a few days with old friends.  We try to get together every year when they spend the summer at their cabin in Lake Tahoe.  They live on the east coast the rest of the year so this is the closest they are to where we live in southern California.  Scott and my husband JP went to elementary school together, and I have loved spending time with Shelly since we shared our first years as moms of newborn infants and toddlers.  We needed a break from some pretty intense work situations. JP had some challenging contracts and I have had what seems a never ending re-do on my yard. The four of us have very similar ideas about enjoying our time together that involves a lot of talking, some good casual eating and a little getting out and about. Add the beauty of the lake and surrounding mountains and there was plenty of incentive to make this trip.

       The only hurdle is getting there.  Flying includes not only the inconvenience of the whole airport hassle at LAX, but the closest airport to Tahoe is in Reno, NV. Then there is getting up to Lake Tahoe from Reno after landing, so in all it would be at least a five hour trip.  Driving from LA is about seven and a half hours.  We usually drive but if we could do a Star Trek move and “beam” ourselves up there we would.  Either way it takes a good part of a day to get there.  JP’s job is to drive and my job is to provide food and entertainment.  As my family well knows I do not take a long car trip with out bringing food, and I bring music and audiobooks to augment my ability to talk with gusto on almost any topic (excluding sports.)   

              Our first night there we did a lot of catching up, and over dinner Shelly shared about a book, “The Whole 30,” with a food plan she had been following with really great results.  J.P. has recently been given a low oxalate meal plan for kidney stones, so much of our conversation was about cutting out certain foods that you may crave but aren’t good for your health.  This, of course, brought up the reality the sometimes you have to do something you don’t like, to get something that you do.  I remember a saying (not that I can follow it) that goes something like this “no food tastes as good as skinny looks.”   

       We were joined one night for dinner by a mutual friend, Joan, and had a lovely time catching up with her.  She has had some health issues, which at our age is especially sobering, and it’s compounded by the fact that she has carried a lot of weight for years.  She lost quite a bit last year when she had surgery and at that time talked of exercising and making healthier choices. When we met her for dinner she had clearly regained a lot of the weight.  We talked about her surgery and her health, but her weight was definitely the elephant in the room.  It compromises her health and longevity, but she doesn’t acknowledge it.  Because of Shelly’s food plan and JP’s low oxalate restrictions there was talk of excluding certain things on the menu and about what foods they could eat.  Joan didn’t really seem to engage in this conversation and ate and drank, with what appeared to be, no limitations.

       If you have ever observed in someone you care about (or in yourself) the denial or avoidance of dealing with an issue that is harming their well-being, you’ve got the picture.  If you have the good fortune, either through nature or hard work, of being someone who sees themself fairly honestly, you have the possibility of making changes.  I’m not saying that it's easy, but at least you have the opportunity to do something about it.  It’s like with addiction (often the unrealized part of eating) – once you declare your addiction you are at least in the game.

       There is one thing that is certain, you cannot make someone else look honestly at the things they do that are creating their difficulties. You can try to inspire, advise or share information, but insight into one’s own behavior and motivation is strictly personal.  I have to keep my eyes on my own tendencies to avoid the things I don’t really want to do while I do the things I like, until there is no time for the former!   I try to make difficult things more palatable, which is why I like snack food and entertainment on a long car trip.  I also try to shake things up when I can so I suggested we take the “less direct” way home.  We drove home “the back way” on highway 395 and it wasn’t any shorter, but it was much prettier and seemed to go faster. Sometimes that’s as good as it gets. 

                               

   

The Thin Line Between Too Much and Too Little

                                   

     I’ve been tending fairly new sod and plants in my back yard along with the long established tree filled wilderness garden in the front yard.  The sod and new plants were planted in late spring and fortunately the weather was kind and stayed overcast for the first several weeks of summer.  The beginning of my sod care was easy because the sod came with a set schedule for how often it should be watered.  I had to remember to water multiple times a day for the first week or so and then taper off.  After that it was much more complicated.

Six weeks in, when the scorching southern California heat set in, it was a different story.  I watched the sod daily and tried to assess whether it needed water or not.  Certain areas started to look distressed with yellowing blades and some brownish patches.  Every expert I consulted, both online and in person, said the same thing, “It could be too much water, or not enough water.”  It is the same with many things I grow, especially roses and tomatoes.

Now, the long establish front garden can go with out water and avoid sudden death - although the huge redwood is looking distressed and I am trying to make up for the deep-water loss the drought has caused with some long slow drip to the root area.  The tomatoes, newly planted roses and sod are on life support with their water needs during a heat wave.  When I add my water conservation agenda it has taken a lot of sprinkler repair, hand watering specific plants and daily monitoring to make it through the crucial early weeks while sod and new plants were setting roots without wasting water.  

                         

It struck me last week while inspecting some distressed looking patches of sod that this “too much, too little water” dichotomy is actually a good metaphor for much of life.  Certainly it applies to relationships, most especially to parenting.  Books, articles, lectures and television shows are filled with examples and discussions of negligent parents and overly indulgent parents.  My husband and I took our cues from our parents in our parenting styles.  I pretty much replicated my mom’s approach “I just want my children to be happy” and my husband followed the loving but more 
“hands off” approach of his dad. 

It wasn’t until several years ago, when as parents of an addict/alcoholic, my husband and I started to go to Al-Anon meetings and heard our style of parenting shared by so many others.  The life stories of these parents and their children are filled with examples of “too much support vs too little support.”  How do you decide when you're hurting your child with your support?  Or that standing back can read as not caring?  

I learned that I needed to back off.  I realized that I could actually “kill” my child out of love.  I am a classic enabler.  My drive to make sure everything goes well (according to my definition) robbed my son of the opportunity to learn that he was capable of being independent.  My task was to start to temper my impulse to rush in whenever I even sensed he was having a problem and my husband had to learn to be involved and “be present” with him even when he had no idea what to do.  I was an “over-doer” and my husband was an “under-doer.” When we saw him struggle I rushed in and my husband pulled back. 

                   

       

Just as with figuring out the water needs of my sod and tomatoes it takes time observing and assessing the situation before taking action.  I learned to try more water in some distressed areas of grass and to let certain areas dry out.   I practice a kind of Zen approach to letting it be for a few days in the shady areas while hand watering some of the full sun areas.  I check the soil around my tomatoes before I water them. There’s a kind of dance of more and less with watering.  In the parenting arena I learned an invaluable lesson from Al-Anon.   I wait to be asked for help.  Sometimes I have to almost literally bite my lip to not jump in unless I’m asked for help or for my opinion (which I used to feel was crucial!) 
       As with watering, sometimes the answer is just to back off and let it be.  

There are Always New Beginnings

                                                                     

                                 

 

     As I write this, the new year is just beginning and my head is spinning with thoughts of resolutions and plans for the future near and far.  I really do mean to begin some things that are new to me.  It may be because my birthday is this month that my mind gets so busy with the “what are you doing with your life” thinking.  I have always had a bit of that going on and I think the older I get the more important it seems to prioritize the many things I think I may want to do.  Sometimes thinking things through, talking about them, and looking up information about them leads me to a plan of action, a change of plans or just crossing something off my to-do list.  Ideally, thinking things through comes before I make plans and take action, although this is not always the case.  Occasionally there is the need to make a change after I set out in a certain direction.

                                  Pretty trees with problem roots!                                   

                           

     For quite some time the roots of the beautiful Liquid Amber trees in the pool yard have been pushing up the patio, and portions of the old wooden fences have been needing repair.  When the back fence started to lean into the neighbor’s yard we had to take action and it seemed like a well thought out plan to start the work in the fall when this area is not really used much.  Of course, everything has taken much longer, been more complicated and produced more questions about how to proceed then I imagined.  Then there is the aspect of my husband’s ideas and the opinions of family and workers versus my ideas.  Merging ideas can be quite a process, including but not limited to on-site "discussions," measuring, plotting and looking at books and online for images appropriate to our 1917 historic property.  After weeks of demo and design we have deviated from our original plan, gone in a totally different direction and then gone back to something close to the original.  There is actual physical progress with the back fence (the almost falling down one) nearing completion and semi-agreed upon plans for the next phase. So the beginning, the starting point, of our pool yard redo has had several new beginnings, a few detours and some progress.

                                   

                                  View from behind fence posts

     This somewhat reflects my path through life.  I think about things, research, try to consider pros and cons and sometimes this leads me to take action.  Sometimes I actually complete things as I planned, sometimes I deviate from my original plan and sometimes I just drop ideas and move on to something else.  Fortunately with projects around my house and yard I make sure that the end result at least looks finished.  Other people will never know that it may be only part of my original plan.  I try to take a similar approach with my interior/personal intentions.  I want to enjoy progress not perfection, take time to enjoy the process that is my life and move on to another new beginning.      

                                        

             
                                                  Of course, Rufus supervises construction!