A FAMILY TO BE THANKFUL FOR: A MIXED BAG OF BLESSINGS

     

THE USUAL SUSPECTS!

                  

       JP and I started our family when we got married 51 years ago.  We both came from intact families, his large, mine small, his wild and crazy, mine more subdued, but in both cases our parents were in it for the long haul.  When we married, it was for life, no escape clause.  We have managed to make this work, but as they say “it ain’t always pretty.”  This fall we had an abundance of blessings with a lot of moving parts. 

       In early October we spent four days celebrating our fiftieth reunion.  The weekend was all fun but encompassed several somewhat formal gatherings, some social unease, and some negotiation with JP about when to leave the parties!  The two-day extension in Carmel to gather at parties hosted by classmates was also fun, but had a bit more sense of urgency on my part because the day after we returned home we were leaving for our son Max’s wedding in Australia.  Now all of this is very positive and exciting, but there is a level of stress to the packing, the travel, people you haven’t seen in years, and in the case of the wedding, people we’ve never met but are going to be related to!    

VIEW FROM JULIE & PETER'S DECK

The reunion was wonderful and The Australia wedding was a dream, but all of it involved an element of putting myself out
there socially with people I don’t really know. We already knew and loved Max’s wife Jess, and as she predicted, we fit right in with her family.  We stayed several nights at Julie and Peter’s (her parents) home (where I could sit on the deck and watch birds in what looked to me like Jurassic Park), and I was thrilled to be enlisted to help Jess and Julie with the flowers at the gorgeous wedding venue.  We were able to spend a few more days with them exploring the “bush” right out their back door, going up the coast to explore Caves Beach and Lake Macquarie, and a highlight for me – walking amongst kangaroos and spending alone time petting koalas.  We truly feel that we now have family in Australia.

MEET THE PARENTS!  JUDIE & JP and JULIE & PETER

       Fortunately, either through personality, or 51 years of marriage, JP and I, for the most part, have a similar style of going with the flow.  I have also learned that sometimes I just retreat, either to a quiet corner, or a hotel room if we have one handy.  The crucial thing is that I have learned to take care of myself in this way, and not expect him to feel the same need and accompany me.  We had both agreed to stopping in New Zealand on our way home for some sightseeing (I was fixated on seeing Hobbiton and it did not disappoint) but this extension began to put pressure on me because we were putting a wedding on for Max and Jess in our home 18 days after returning.       

YES, IT IS ME WITH JP IN HOBBITON!

       I am reminded of the old Mickey Rooney/Judy Garland movies where he said, “Hey kids, let’s put on a show” only this was a wedding.  It was Max and Jess and JP and me (mostly Jess and me) but now it was crunch time.  It had been a lead up of months with many decisions made, orders placed and materials gathered; yet in the end there was an enormous amount to do.  Adding to the last minute pressure was the caterer disappearing at the eleventh hour (I mean the Thursday night before the Saturday wedding!)  At the exact moment we found out, we were having a family tea/shower for Jess and gathering after for a dinner to surprise her with her brother who had flown in from Australia to walk her down the aisle.  

MATT G. IS THE SURPRISE GUEST

Max’s sisters immediately started brainstorming and I was calculating where to rent warming dishes and who to hire as servers.   Lauren got on her cell phone and by the time we returned from dinner she had a local restaurant that caters at the house to check out the venue and give us a price – which we, of course, took!     

SISTERS TOAST THE NEWLYWEDS

                                           
             

MOTHER WATCHING SISTERS TOAST!

                                 

                                 

       With everyone in the family working, plus our awesome neighbor Jill and two workers we hired, we got it all together and even managed to be somewhat present and enjoy the wedding.  There was an element of chaos in the upstairs with sleep-over visitors – Jess’s brother Matt from Australia, Jilann in from Paris, Brad from San Mateo, Max’s birth sisters, Angela and Alicia and their kids from out of town, and Lisa, Matt, Conor, Quinn, Lily and Owen from San Clemente – needless to say inflatable beds were involved and personal “stuff” was all over.  It was messy but filled with cozy, slumber party energy.

                      

THE WHOLE FAMILY WITH RUFUS THE "BEST DOG"

       Twelve days later came Thanksgiving.  Now it was time to seriously discuss whether to just try to make a reservation and eat out, do an abbreviated dinner, or go for the Full Monty.  This was mostly discussed by the women, because, let’s face it, that’s who does most of the work.  I know, there may be men who do a lot of the cooking, table setting, etc, but in our world, the men may help put the big leaves in the table and carve the turkey, but most of their time is spent in front of the TV watching sports.  

       As the adage goes, “the devil is in the details.”  It is way too complicated to explain but let me just say that JP & I, and all siblings were polled (repeatedly!) to try to decide how much to deviate from our usual big formal table in the dining room with every traditional family turkey day side dish and desert.  During this period there were many ideas floated, a few feathers ruffled and at one point it sounded like some family members would make other plans.  JP and I stayed fairly consistent in our opinion that we would be ok with whatever they decided.  I don’t really know how the sisters worked it out, but in the end all were there and the table was a hybrid of the usual, just missing elaborate décor, and the dinner was traditional minus the stuffing.  I am the stuffing maker and flower arranger so by that time, I had not only accepted the concept of an “abbreviated” Thanksgiving dinner, but was looking forward to less work for me! 

       It was a lovely family gathering, including our extended family member, Barry O’Rourke, and our new addition, Jess’s brother Matt.  As we were going around the table giving our individual “what we’re thankful for” comments I was thinking about the wonder of being able to let things go.  It’s really a big ball of forgiveness, wrapped in “don’t take it personal” that allows people to drop their attachment to their opinion and come together at an occasion that is not necessarily the way they wanted it to be.  I am grateful that our family members all seem to have developed this ability, and no matter how messy the process, they can come together in the end and give thanks.

MAX KEEPING ME HONEST AT TABOO DURING OUR AFTER DINNER GAMES

      

        

       

PACKING MY BAGS WITH GRATITUDE, FORGIVENESS AND AN OPEN HEART

                                                         

When packing for my 50^th college reunion I was trying to put together some flattering outfits that were suitable for the different occasions.  I wanted to chose clothes that were the most stylish, didn’t make me feel like I was in a sausage casing (but also weren’t baggy) and then, of course, I had to find cute shoes that would not cut off the circulation in my toes.  As I was looking through my choices and actually trying things on in front of a mirror (really not much fun) I had plenty of time to think about the different events and people I would see.  I looked forward to seeing old friends but there were a couple of people I was a little wary of seeing.

       It can be challenging sometimes to find your fit with people you see socially on a regular basis, but this can increase when it’s a group of friends and acquaintances you haven’t seen in years.  There can’t help but be an element of assessing how people have aged, and I just didn’t want to look the “oldest!”   Even when I was confident that I had made the best choices with my wardrobe, I was still a little apprehensive how I would fit in with the group.  My husband and I were a couple starting in our sophomore year of college, so I was somewhat MIA from many dorm activities and girl’s connections.  It probably doesn’t help that I tend to be pretty independent, and at that stage of life mostly focused on myself, and clueless as to how my attitude affected others.

                                  

       Social media has created a window into who are getting together, where they are traveling, what they are celebrating, and perhaps, a false sense of connectedness.  I realized that I don’t really know what’s going on in another person’s life.  Judging them by their posted pictures, phone calls they didn’t return or invitations not received is going to block any chance I have for connection with others.  There is a key to acceptance and forgiveness articulated in a book I never read (my husband did) called “The Four Agreements,” but I have its tenets in a magnet on my fridge.  This principal has changed my life – “Don’t take it personal.”  Doing this resolves every perceived slight or exclusion.  It creates an open heart, which is all you really need to enjoy anyone’s company.

       As I finished packing my wandering mind hit upon how grateful I was for the people and places I have experienced over the years.  I am not in college anymore and it’s ok to feel awkward with people I haven’t seen in years.  Fifty-one years into my marriage I can honestly say it is better than ever and much of that quality is due to our realization that forgiveness and gratitude are the keys to that happiness.  There it was - the only things I really needed to bring to our reunion were gratitude, forgiveness and an open heart.  

                                         

 

"I'M STUFFING THE DOG BEDS"

       There are three people who will laugh and know right away the meaning of “I’m stuffing the dog beds.”   Years ago when we were moving out of the home our children had grown up in there was a frenzy of activity on the final day.  No movers for us.  We were just going a few miles up the hill from Pasadena to Altadena.  We had hired a few big guys to help us and we had all our girls helping.  Most of it was moving boxes and furniture, but it was twenty-five years of accumulation.  Plus I will now out myself as a bit of a “collector.”   I am not a hoarder - and I know this because mostly my stuff is quite organized and useful, or might be some time in the future!  The location for most of these treasures was a basement that was really like an old cellar.  When the house was built in 1908 it had been accessed from the outside.  Somewhere along the years a remodel put stairs leading down from the kitchen.  Let’s just say that our children made the basement into a haunted house more than once, and just the steps down, past a crawlspace lit by far off outside screen vents, creeped people out.

       To be fair to myself, I had spent hours sorting through (I swear I did throw some things out) and boxing most of my supplies.  Oh, I forgot to say I’m a bit of a crafter, or crafting supplies collector, but that is another subject.  I think you can see that this is an area that I didn’t really want any help preparing (meaning I did not want my husband anywhere near this stuff.)  He had the garage - I had the basement!  The other bit of a “black hole” was the laundry room.  Of course, there was the easy stuff in there like the washer and dryer, ironing board, iron and laundry supplies.  But there were also some of the drawers full of an assortment of useful tools and misfit fit pieces you might need.  Doesn’t everyone have a junk drawer (or drawers)?  We also keep the pet supplies in there.

       The stage is now set for a moment my daughters will never let me forget.  I might add at by way of explanation, that I am a combo of a big preparer, with lists galore, and a bit of a loose cannon when the moment finally arrives.  At this point in the move I was all over the place tying up loose ends and answering every question.  In my over-preparation I had wanted to make sure the dog beds were clean and had new stuffing, not wanting to move dirty dog beds.  I know, many people would just throw out the old beds and get new ones, but not this child of a depression era mother.  I had taken out the old stuffing, purchased new stuffing and washed the covers, not quite finishing (another subject) with the re-stuffing before moving day.  When it came time to move things from the kitchen and the laundry room I ran into the laundry room with the stuffing and shut the door.  Unfortunately, I was needed to answer a question and one of my daughters found me on the floor in the process of stuffing.  When she exclaimed, “What are you doing?” I answered, “I’m stuffing the dog beds.” 

                                      

Shanky Girl our visiting dog

                                 

       She was, as most would be finding their mother on the floor of the laundry room midst dog bed stuffing at the height of moving day, incredulous.  After exclaiming, “What?” several times she ran to get her sisters, muttering, “They’ve got to see this.”  I, of course, did the only thing I could at this point and finished the task.  This moment has been brought up occasionally over the years, usually when I am way off task in a group endeavor.  Although, I feel like what I’m doing is legitimate, I can see a pattern.  Which is why I was able to catch myself the other day in a “stuffing the dog beds” moment.

                                

This is after I'd already thrown some things out! 

                            

       We have been re-doing big sections of our back yard for months. Like many household projects, it has expanded and taken over much of my time. Now, the finishing details are colliding with our travel to our son’s wedding and our return to host a reception in our garden.  I have so much to do in so many different areas that my lists have lists!  Having the whole house and garden ready, and leaving my animals and garden care organized for the house sitter is my priority.  Yet I found myself in a full on “stuffing the dog beds” moment and again, once I had started I had to finish.  For months I have wanted to clean out a storage box of yard equipment by the back door.  Every time I opened it I thought about it, and several days ago I impulsively dumped out its contents.  This is no quick task as it involves throwing things away - always hard for me because I am worried that I might throw away the loose glove then find the partner, or the loose lid might go to something or “maybe I’ll need that someday.”  As I sat on the terrace surrounded by the random contents I had dumped out, I realized that it must be somehow soothing to me to take on a task where I can see an end, when I am in a stressful, seemingly endless endeavor.   Now I have an organized storage box and a little insight into why I can get off track in the middle of a long project.