My Circus...
Recently I had the unsettling experience of being caught in the middle of a heated argument. I was unaware that moments before I sat down there had been a stressful exchange, and that tensions were already simmering. I knew both parties well, and was privy to some of their opinions about the other’s behavior. As the challenges and counter-challenges flew, the room filled with pressure. I tried to suggest a de-escalation but frankly I don’t think either one heard a word I said. It didn’t end well and I was left alone in the aftermath wondering if I should somehow try to mediate a resolution.
I
was still trying to figure out if I should intervene when my husband came home
and I described the incident. When I
asked him what he thought he pretty quickly assessed that it sounded like both
parties were forgetting one of “The Four Agreements” and making a lot of
assumptions. All their anger was based
on perceptions, assumptions and judgments.
Here entered the thought in my mind “not my circus, not my monkeys.” This may sound pretty flip but it carries the
essence of a newly honed truth in my life.
After years of spiritual reading, retreats and practice it was Al-Anon
that taught me how to apply this in my life.
Even though Bridget and I had thought this principle important enough to
make it one of our “Lazy Woman’s Seven Commandments” – YOU ARE A SEPARATE
PERSON – putting it in to practice had always been a challenge for me. Apparently it was in my DNA and all my formative
years of trying to rescue people, including all the orphans all over the world
that I tried to help by raising money selling Holy Childhood Christmas Seals,
were training for the professional level enabler I achieved as an adult. Now mind you, I’m aware that I am loving and have nothing but the best intentions. I just had a
total unawareness of how my “helping” didn’t always help - how it
robbed people of finding their own way.
I
did not mention the disagreement to either person and they did not bring it up to
me. I have no idea how they stand with
one and other, but I did see them talking at a gathering. Imagine that!
They were able to find some level of resolution without my input. Is their relationship fully healed? Are they masking their anger and brewing more
resentment? Did they talk things out as
I would have suggested? I have no idea, and I quickly dismiss any thought of
what’s up with them if it crosses my mind.
The “not my circus, not my monkeys” approach leaves me with a lot more
energy for my own life.
Yesterday
an out of town friend called and was telling me about his cousin who has had a
falling out with her adult daughter.
From his brief description it’s a disagreement about the grandkids. I didn’t let him go in to
details because it’s not about my opinion on what’s the best policy, or who’s
right, the mother or the grandmother.
The bottom line is that it’s the mother’s job to decide how to raise her
kids and the grandmother needs to give in.
As a grandmother I know this is not always easy but it is your role to
give your opinion and then back off. We
are not talking abuse, addiction or neglect. We’re talking how much TV, sweets,
homework, bedtime, etc. - the kinds of decisions that parents make, debate,
re-negotiate and have the task of implementing.
I
know this grandmother adores and misses her grandkids, and that they miss her
in their lives. Even if she thinks her
parenting views are much better for them she is not raising these children. How tragic that they are all denied each
other’s company because of a difference of opinion. This is a case of protecting one’s ego,
needing to be right, and it is causing pain and heartache for her, her daughter
and her grandkids. This is where the way
to go is to swallow your pride, make a phone call – eat a little humble pie.
Thinking
that you know best leads to all sorts of problems in relationships. Praying, meditating and reading 12 Step
literature always open up possibilities where I see only dead ends. “When I let go
of a situation, I allow life to unfold according to that plan. I open my mind and let other ways of thinking
or behaving enter in.
By keeping the focus on myself, I let go of other people’s problems and
I can better cope with my own…I will remind myself…that I am powerless over
anyone else, that I can live no life but my own. Changing myself
for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity.” (Courage to
Change – One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II)
Just
remember “not my circus, not my monkeys” - and stay inside of your own
hula-hoop!
Some of my many monkeys!
