Holidays
are traditionally pictured with families gathered in various forms of
celebration. The images in books,
magazines, movies, and most certainly in any advertising media, emphasize the
family aspect of this holiday. It is
easy to feel like an odd man out at this time of the year, even if you are with
family. Sibling rivalry, married with children, no children, no partner, unmet desires for your life - these can all make holiday gatherings difficult. The expectation to be a part of
a loving family can shine the spotlight on flaws in your family ties and bring
any grievances bubbling to the surface.
If you have any open wounds or major fractures in your familial
relationships this can be the Titanic of holidays!
I
mentioned last time I was going to a party with extended family where I was on
the “fringe” so to speak. I am the last
remaining member of my original family of four.
I have little to no contact with my father’s side of the family, but
there is one branch on my mother’s side that is still in my life. My uncle Don is 89 - the only family member
still alive who is higher than me on the family tree – and these are his
children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. There are no fractures in my relationships
with these family members and we share a lot of history, but little recent
contact. There are about 25 adults and
loads of children - with two more on the way.
The children range from one to sixteen and although I know who’s who, I
probably haven’t spoken to many of them.
I’ve never wanted to be that somewhat distant relative who needs
recognition, or God forbid, a kiss for Auntie Judie!
This
is a lovely Christmas party and it’s fun to see everyone and catch up with the
three cousins I grew up with. Each of
these women married stellar men that became imbedded in our family, as did my
stellar husband! Maureen’s husband Mike
died way too young, but in the years he was in our lives he was a loving and
holy addition. He is much missed,
revered by everyone whose life he touched and still present in many
conversations. Tom and Jim are also men
of faith, and I always feel blessed after connecting with them, no matter how
short or infrequent our visits. If you
are a “once a year” relative at a family party that crosses generations and
includes many people that are in each others lives regularly, it’s most
enjoyable to leave your expectations for inclusion at home. As with the party where I knew no one, the
beauty is in the genuine connections.
One of my favorite moments this year was talking with the husband of one of my
cousin’s daughters. He is someone I
really only know from his Facebook posts, but I loved talking with him about
the beautiful pictures he posts and his hobbies.
The
ability to adapt your holiday expectations of family participation can make or
break your holidays. When we were first
married we lived about a day’s drive from my parents. They made it easy for us. Christmas celebrations were on whatever day
we could be there. There was no pressure
or disappointment if we couldn’t be there on the 24th or 25th,
just happiness and joy when we gathered.
I learned from them to make the day we were together the “real”
Christmas.
My dad died at sixty, which from my vantage
point of seventy is very young, and within a year my mom was dating. This meant that our holiday gatherings began
to include her current boyfriend and sometimes even his family! Now, this was not the top choice for our
family, especially our teenaged daughters.
In order to make Christmas day more fun, we had brunch and gift opening
at my mothers with her “guests,” then we added a late afternoon movie. Our adaptation ended up creating a new
tradition that our movie-loving family members still look forward to. This year is no exception with most of the
family going to see “Unbroken” (several of us read and loved the book,) Lisa
taking the younger kids to “Annie,” and then meeting after for a Chinese food
dinner – another tradition started when we were balancing out my mother’s
“boyfriend with family” holiday gatherings!
I
guess it’s really just what applies to all of life. If you let go of any ridged pictures of what
the holiday should be like, you can relax and enjoy the moment. No matter how frantic the preparations
become, whatever loose ends never get tied up, in the end, the only way to have
fun is be ok with what is. It’s just the
ebb and flow of life, so why not enjoy the ride.
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| Christmas Eve day at Magic Mountain - 20 years & counting! |
