The
last few weeks of September were killer hot in Southern California. There was a lot of whining going on (me
included) when we had a week with triple digit weather where it didn’t even
cool down at night. This is particularly
brutal for us because we are most often blessed with beautiful weather. October brought some foggy mornings and cool
evenings - than back to the heat. With
the usual talk of global warming and “climate change” I can only think back to
my elementary school years, and every fall sweltering in my unforgiving school
uniform. On this kind of climate change
discussion I can only recommend the documentary “Cool It” by Bjorn
Lomburg. The kind of climate change I am
writing about is much more personal.
When
I was writing about “Flying Monkeys” it was necessary to look at my usual
reaction to angry words hurled my way, especially when in marital
conflicts. Verbal intimidation is my
husband’s Olympic skill and my response, and personal Gold Medal, is “the
freeze out.” This is the kind of
climate change my loved ones are most familiar with in me. Other words used to describe this kind of
response are shutting down, distancing one’s self or freezing out. The actions can include heavy sighing, slight
head nodding or shaking, pursed lips, maybe even a strong huff followed by a
grimace, and almost always walking away is involved. Now, it has taken awhile for me to fully own
this behavior, and it didn’t happen over night.
For
years I thought this was a fairly positive way to deal with conflict. I could use
it to avoid getting into a verbal battle that might escalate into a screaming
match, and it seemed more mature than losing my cool. Since my husband has an intimidating voice I
was destined to lose anyway, so I honed my skills in quite retaliation. When the dust had settled on an argument I
used to tell him that his explosions always made anything I did look refined. And I could always justify myself by
observing that how he acted, was so unacceptable. Poor me, what else could I do.
The
problem with this is that there’s no possibility for any growth or
enlightenment on my part unless I am looking at myself. It is my reaction, my actions that I can
change. There is a 12 step saying: Don’t take anyone’s inventory but your own. When I am blinded by self-righteousness
and continue to focus on someone else’s shortcomings there is zero chance for
me to see where I am part of the
problem. I need to step back and watch
my own behavior, keep my own side of the
street clean.
I have recently added a prayer to our
morning ritual to help me practice this.
Dear
Lord, Help me to see my shortcomings when I am focused on someone else’s
behavior. Let me see my habits when they
are reflected in the things other people do that bother me. And help me to give up my attachment to them.
