Climate Change

                                               

       The last few weeks of September were killer hot in Southern California.  There was a lot of whining going on (me included) when we had a week with triple digit weather where it didn’t even cool down at night.  This is particularly brutal for us because we are most often blessed with beautiful weather.  October brought some foggy mornings and cool evenings - than back to the heat.  With the usual talk of global warming and “climate change” I can only think back to my elementary school years, and every fall sweltering in my unforgiving school uniform.  On this kind of climate change discussion I can only recommend the documentary “Cool It” by Bjorn Lomburg.  The kind of climate change I am writing about is much more personal.

       When I was writing about “Flying Monkeys” it was necessary to look at my usual reaction to angry words hurled my way, especially when in marital conflicts.  Verbal intimidation is my husband’s Olympic skill and my response, and personal Gold Medal, is “the freeze out.”   This is the kind of climate change my loved ones are most familiar with in me.  Other words used to describe this kind of response are shutting down, distancing one’s self or freezing out.  The actions can include heavy sighing, slight head nodding or shaking, pursed lips, maybe even a strong huff followed by a grimace, and almost always walking away is involved.  Now, it has taken awhile for me to fully own this behavior, and it didn’t happen over night.

       For years I thought this was a fairly positive way to deal with conflict. I could use it to avoid getting into a verbal battle that might escalate into a screaming match, and it seemed more mature than losing my cool.  Since my husband has an intimidating voice I was destined to lose anyway, so I honed my skills in quite retaliation.  When the dust had settled on an argument I used to tell him that his explosions always made anything I did look refined.  And I could always justify myself by observing that how he acted, was so unacceptable.  Poor me, what else could I do.

       The problem with this is that there’s no possibility for any growth or enlightenment on my part unless I am looking at myself.  It is my reaction, my actions that I can change.  There is a 12 step saying: Don’t take anyone’s inventory but your own.  When I am blinded by self-righteousness and continue to focus on someone else’s shortcomings there is zero chance for me to see where I am part of the problem.  I need to step back and watch my own behavior, keep my own side of the street clean. 

I have recently added a prayer to our morning ritual to help me practice this.

       Dear Lord, Help me to see my shortcomings when I am focused on someone else’s behavior.  Let me see my habits when they are reflected in the things other people do that bother me.  And help me to give up my attachment to them.