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| Flowers for a friend |
Sometimes in my day in and day out life I forget to live the things I know to be true. I know from experience, often uncomfortable or painful, that I can choose how I react to things that come my way. A difficulty can be made into a nightmare instead of a challenge, if load up with self-pity, anger or resentment. Everything, from the most trivial to the most important is filtered through my reaction. When I am paying attention to my reactions I get regular lessons in this truth.
Last month we got a phone call telling us about the death of an old friend. This was an old friend who was actually several years younger than me who I hadn’t seen in at least twenty years. It would be accurate to say “former” friend since some things had transpired in our friendship that made it uncomfortable for my husband and me to keep her in our lives. We didn’t even know that she had moved to another state several years ago. We did, however, stay friends with her ex-husband and as a co-parent, he had stayed on cordial terms with her, so he invited us to her “Celebration of Life.” We were scheduled to go out of town the night before the service so we had a legitimate excuse for missing it. Truth be told, it would have been an easy out for something we had mixed feelings about attending. In the end, our relationship with her ex and our desire to support her children in their loss won out.
Our friend had shared some of the details about her sudden illness and death and what he and their children had done in the last week of her life. There were issues with some of the family members about things she had done in the past, but all of them decided to fly to be with her as she navigated her diagnosis. I took note of the choices they made as this unfolded. By being there they had time to gather around her as a family and reconcile differences and offer forgiveness. There was even shared laughter because if there was one undeniable thing about her, she had a wicked sense of humor. She faced a very grim end of day’s scenario and they were working on a family plan to be there for her when she died suddenly. There was no indication when she had called from the hospital that her death was imminent. Had any of her children held on to judgment about choices their mother had made and decided not to go immediately, they would have missed their last opportunity for reconciliation. Each made a choice to go, each made a choice to forgive and each made a choice to express their love for her as a mother, in spite of past disappointments.
What a perfect example of how your reaction to something has transformative power in your life. You can’t change the past, and much of what happens in your life is not in your control. What you can control is your reaction, and that is a game changer! Daily life is an easier, happier place if you’re not carrying around the baggage of anger and resentment. This ranges from dealing with how people drive, to perceived slights or insults, to bitterness toward a sibling, parent or ex-partner. This doesn’t mean I never get annoyed, frustrated or angry, but it is a gift in my life that I can shift gears, let go and move on. I’m glad that I had not been bitter toward someone who had been a close friend but had made some bad choices that affected me. I am able to remember her for the good times, the trips we took together and the adventures we had. I will remember how the wild free spirit that she was, had a downside, but oh, the upside was so much fun!
