Holiday Ebb and Flow

                     

       Holidays are traditionally pictured with families gathered in various forms of celebration.  The images in books, magazines, movies, and most certainly in any advertising media, emphasize the family aspect of this holiday.  It is easy to feel like an odd man out at this time of the year, even if you are with family.  Sibling rivalry, married with children, no children, no partner, unmet desires for your life - these can all make holiday gatherings difficult.  The expectation to be a part of a loving family can shine the spotlight on flaws in your family ties and bring any grievances bubbling to the surface.  If you have any open wounds or major fractures in your familial relationships this can be the Titanic of holidays!

       I mentioned last time I was going to a party with extended family where I was on the “fringe” so to speak.  I am the last remaining member of my original family of four.  I have little to no contact with my father’s side of the family, but there is one branch on my mother’s side that is still in my life.  My uncle Don is 89 - the only family member still alive who is higher than me on the family tree – and these are his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  There are no fractures in my relationships with these family members and we share a lot of history, but little recent contact.  There are about 25 adults and loads of children - with two more on the way.  The children range from one to sixteen and although I know who’s who, I probably haven’t spoken to many of them.  I’ve never wanted to be that somewhat distant relative who needs recognition, or God forbid, a kiss for Auntie Judie! 

       This is a lovely Christmas party and it’s fun to see everyone and catch up with the three cousins I grew up with.  Each of these women married stellar men that became imbedded in our family, as did my stellar husband!  Maureen’s husband Mike died way too young, but in the years he was in our lives he was a loving and holy addition.  He is much missed, revered by everyone whose life he touched and still present in many conversations.  Tom and Jim are also men of faith, and I always feel blessed after connecting with them, no matter how short or infrequent our visits.  If you are a “once a year” relative at a family party that crosses generations and includes many people that are in each others lives regularly, it’s most enjoyable to leave your expectations for inclusion at home.  As with the party where I knew no one, the beauty is in the genuine connections.  One of my favorite moments this year was talking with the husband of one of my cousin’s daughters.  He is someone I really only know from his Facebook posts, but I loved talking with him about the beautiful pictures he posts and his hobbies.

       The ability to adapt your holiday expectations of family participation can make or break your holidays.  When we were first married we lived about a day’s drive from my parents.  They made it easy for us.  Christmas celebrations were on whatever day we could be there.  There was no pressure or disappointment if we couldn’t be there on the 24^th or 25^th, just happiness and joy when we gathered.  I learned from them to make the day we were together the “real” Christmas.

                         

         My dad died at sixty, which from my vantage point of seventy is very young, and within a year my mom was dating.  This meant that our holiday gatherings began to include her current boyfriend and sometimes even his family!  Now, this was not the top choice for our family, especially our teenaged daughters.  In order to make Christmas day more fun, we had brunch and gift opening at my mothers with her “guests,” then we added a late afternoon movie.  Our adaptation ended up creating a new tradition that our movie-loving family members still look forward to.  This year is no exception with most of the family going to see “Unbroken” (several of us read and loved the book,) Lisa taking the younger kids to “Annie,” and then meeting after for a Chinese food dinner – another tradition started when we were balancing out my mother’s “boyfriend with family” holiday gatherings! 

       I guess it’s really just what applies to all of life.  If you let go of any ridged pictures of what the holiday should be like, you can relax and enjoy the moment.  No matter how frantic the preparations become, whatever loose ends never get tied up, in the end, the only way to have fun is be ok with what is.  It’s just the ebb and flow of life, so why not enjoy the ride.

                       

Christmas Eve day at Magic Mountain - 20 years & counting!