Back to Reality

   
            Time to take a break from chores!  We had a long day working our way back home from our much loved and enjoyed family trip to Canada.  All of us gathered for lunch at Trolls in Horseshoe Bay on the way to Vancouver, and we were blessed with gorgeous weather for this important tradition.  From the time we hit the traffic jam crossing Lion’s Gate Bridge (everyone was out on a Sunday enjoying the sunshine) the journey was a little less idyllic.  No problems at car rental return or check-in, but the waiting in line at security and passport control seemed endless.  We collectively reached our last straw at LAX with a long wait on the curb for the bus to take us to parking.  At that point we kept reminding ourselves of our magical trip, which made any suffering worth it.

       Today is clean up day – unpacking, laundry, mail sorting, egg gathering, animal tending, plant watering, and on it goes.  Now we all get “back to reality.”  It also happens to be J.P.’s 70 birthday. He had already been feted multiple times, starting with candles on his desert in Vancouver, a chorus of happy birthday at brunch and a birthday feast prepared by Max in our Intrawest kitchen.  At present J.P. is at his desk answering emails and making calls.  We took a lunch break to get a sandwich at Perry’s Joint, and will have bacon, tomato & avocado sandwiches while we catch up on “Game of Thrones” tonight.  Nothing fancy, but we are looking forward to watching a favorite show and eating some comfort food.  Not an exciting day, but never the less, a satisfying one.

       As I was folding laundry (not my favorite) I was thinking about how much fun our trip was and how shockingly fast the time went.  The planning and preparation were in the works for months, and suddenly it’s over.  It was so fresh in my memory that my folding seemed to fly by with visions of beautiful snowy mountains and smiling family faces.  I carried the images into the yard, but they faded when I began to notice new beauty around me.  Yes, some plants wilted from lack of water (we had a heat wave while we were gone) and there are lots of new weeds, but there are also new things blooming all around.  Some are spectacular and some are small and common, mixed in with the weeds, but when seen together they add up to a mass of lovely.   

       It’s somewhat like our exciting vacation, preceded by preparation and planning, and followed by un-packing, laundry and playing catch-up with daily life.  I see the joy in being aware of each moment.  When you appreciate how all the parts fit together, you are thankful for each piece, even folding the laundry.

Common little treasures

Who Invited you?

Dave and Conor waiting for flight

Once a year beauty!

Family Travel

       I love to travel, especially with my family.  There is a special dynamic to sharing adventure and beauty with the ones you love.  There are, however, always some challenges involved with travel, often with the transportation piece.  When there is a long ticketing/baggage line, followed by a long security line, resulting in a wait at the gate or, my least favorite, a delayed takeoff, everyone can get a little edgy.  This can result in a large group dealing with various levels of crankiness, making their way through customs, rental car pick-up and map reading before arriving at the hotel.  At this point, some may be raring to hit the streets and some may be ready to put their feet up and rest with a cup of tea (me!)  Thankfully, our family has embraced the “sometimes we do everything together and sometimes we split up” mode of travel. 

       We are all enjoying our much-anticipated family trip to Vancouver and Whistler.  It has been several years since our last trip to Canada but it was like returning home to places we had visited every year.  We always stay at the same hotel in Vancouver, The Sutton Place.  We love the neighborhood and know our way around.   We can walk to our favorite restaurants, Joe Forte’s and Al Porto (both still serving yummy food) so there’s no having to wait for everyone to come or go together.  We can walk in smaller groups that accommodate sightseers, shoppers, stragglers and speed walkers. Around the corner on Robson (a great shopping street) there is a multi level bookstore where you have to split up because it’s so big you’d never find each other, and across the street from the hotel there’s a movie theater where some of us caught a late night showing of the new Captain America movie.  

       This family dynamic of traveling together, but allowing for separate outings, serves us well.  Being flexible is essential for maximum enjoyment of any trip, but most certainly when traveling with a large group ranging in age from six to seventy.  This means sometimes being disappointed that everyone can’t be there for the whole trip.  Lauren and Dave had to miss the Vancouver portion because of a last minute work crisis, and Max had to cut his snowboarding short to return home for a Rough City performance.  We wish they could have been with us for everything, but as with all of life, you can either focus on what’s missing or enjoy what you have.  

       Fortunately we all share the love of the same traditions, many centered on favorite restaurants.  In Vancouver the most important tradition is brunch at the Teahouse in Stanley Park.  Now, this is no mere brunch.  It involves arriving an hour or so early so we can walk along the seawall at Ferguson Point and go down on the rocks to look for crabs.  This year Owen got within a few feet of a Blue Heron by slowly inching closer.  His patience and calm demeanor reflect his interest and love of animals.  We only wish we had put Max’s GoPro on his head so we all could have seen a close up of this gorgeous bird.  After brunch there is usually a trip to the petting zoo, a ride on the miniature train or a stop at the playground with the old style swings.

       The Teahouse is situated with a magnificent view of the bay, perfectly appointed tables and amazing food, where each dish vies for the best!   A long time friend who happened to be in Vancouver joined us for brunch.  It was fun catching up with him but when I asked about his lovely family his reply was a little vague.  He said the family was somewhat fractured at the moment.  On further conversation it turn out that it was over a friend of his - something about a grudge held by some family members from years ago.  They pronounced that this friendship was breaking up the family.  I couldn’t help but be struck by how much unhappiness people create in their own lives.  I know that he’s sad at this breach and feels torn, and I’m sure that his family is upset.  Something as simple as a perceived insult or injustice can have a devastating effect on relationships.   And it is literally, all in the power of a person’s perception.  The only way to get beyond this is to let go.  It can be as easy as taking a “live and let live” approach.  You don’t even have to agree, forgive or like each other, just let it go.  Even if this only happens on one side, it can make a difference.  When the person being judged decides not to take it personally, the other side may soften.  Or at least you won’t be caught in an endless cycle of hurt and resentment.  

       With several days left in this heavenly setting, I thank God that I am surrounded by a family that can go with the flow.  We have returned to our Whistler “home,” Club Intrawest, in the beautiful Upper Village.  It’s in the quiet part of town, across from the Chateau and next to the Four Seasons.  Perfect for families, the units have multiple bedrooms, baths and full kitchens, with great adult features, lots to do for kids and a great on-site market.  As with Vancouver, it is in our preferred location.  We are across from our favorite breakfast restaurant, Ciao Thyme Bistro (the Bob Loaded breakfast sandwich is a must) and minutes from the Blackcomb Mountain lodge and ski lift.  This location allows everyone to come and go with ease, and meet up within minutes for end of the day sustenance.  There is a park across the road with great paths through the woods and along a creek. It’s a lovely walk to the pedestrian-only village full of restaurants and shops, so the car only leaves the garage to go to the big market in town.  A week with out driving is a vacation in itself!

  

       

   Some of the flexible skiers and snowboarders by Blackcomb lift

                                           

Super skiing Owen enjoying his hot chocolate

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

       Aye, there’s the rub.  Of course, there's the metaphor of sleep as death and dreaming as afterlife, and the question of what dreams may come.  But there is also the issue of sleep as rest, and the tangle of dreams and sleep disruption that sometimes keep us from that rest.   Trouble sleeping comes in many forms.  Difficulty falling asleep is one, waking up after falling asleep and not being able to go back to sleep is another.  Then there is sleeping lightly, feeling half awake all night and waking in the morning not really knowing if you slept at all.

       At different times in my life I have experienced all forms of sleep “issues.”  I don’t call them sleep problems or difficulties anymore, since I’ve pretty much made peace with my various sleep patterns.  I’ve become more of an observer who is consciously involved in the many stages of my sleep and wakefulness.  My sleeping irregularities started when I became a mother.  Being awakened by infants and toddlers coupled with hormonal changes, made sleep a roller coaster experience.  During that time in my life I tried to use my “awake in the middle of the night” time to do something I wanted or needed to do.  When I couldn’t fall back to sleep I would get up and read, fold laundry or clean something.  My favorite was to clean out the junk drawer – that vital drawer in my kitchen where I put loose screws, scissors, pens, tacks, twist ties, rubber bands, clips, loose coins, glue and anything else left on the counter that didn’t belong.  I found that sorting, cleaning out and organizing kept my mind focused and was somehow soothing.  Usually, when I went back to bed I could doze off, or at least be more relaxed.

       Later in life I hit the double whammy of sleep interrupters – lying in bed listening for the sound of a teenager coming home, combined with the hormonal vagaries of menopause.  This was a recipe for many sleepless nights, and throughout these years I found ways to occupy my time during these extra hours.  A lot of my writing gets done in this “found” time.  It’s quiet, the phone isn’t ringing, it’s too dark to go into my yard and there’s nothing on my calendar at that hour.  Even if I’m just reading, sorting socks or tossing out magazines, at least I feel productive. 

       Sometimes, when my mind is fixated on solving a problem, from health to wealth, to how to resolve a dilemma in my house or garden, I use a daydreaming approach.  I close my eyes and don’t try to fall asleep.  I aim for that hazy, dozy state and I try to let my mind run wild with all the fantastic results I can imagine, with no attention paid to how to plan or pay for what I envision.  Nothing practical.  Pure fantasy.  This takes the pressure off of trying to fall back asleep, replaces worry with positive visions, and sometimes-even leads to an idea I can implement.

       I realize that it is my response to a night with little sleep that can create anxiety when I react with, “Oh no, I’m not getting enough sleep.  I’ll be exhausted tomorrow!”  This can escalate and then, on top of not getting much sleep, I’m stressed about the ramifications it will have the next day!  I also try not to freak out about the health tips that say you need 8-9 hours of sleep for optimal health.  If I kept score for my lifetime, I'd be way behind.  But I’m interested in my quality of life today, so my focus is feeling well rested and sneaking in naps when I need them.  When I do spend time in my bed lying awake in the middle of the night, I think about how lucky I am.  There are many people, all over the world and right close by, that would give anything to be lying in bed, in good health and well feed, next to the one they love.  I snuggle up in my comfortable bed; luxuriate in my warm and cozy bedding, and thank God for my blessings.

       When I do fall asleep, it is not with stress and tension, but with gratitude and joy in my heart.

       

Time Well Spent

      

“Time is precious.”  No one disputes this and I often think or hear someone else say, “I need more time in the day.”  “If I only had another day (week, month) I’d be set.”  “What a waste of time that was!”  Time seems like an elusive commodity, and we never have enough.  Even while on vacation seeing amazing sights or sitting by the ocean in a beautiful resort, my mind has traveled to thoughts of how much time I have left until the vacation is over.  Or conversely, if I’m doing something like jury duty or dental work, I hope it moves along quickly and I’m relieved when the time has passed.  Sometimes I look at this as wasting my time, taking away from what I “should” be doing.

       What I “should” be doing is usually arranged by me, agreed to and put on my calendar, or at least a to-do list.  Of course, I deviate all the time from things that aren’t appointments or commitments.  Years ago, while formulating the Lazy Woman rules, the to-do list lost its power over me.  I realized that I made up the list so I stopped letting it make me feel like a failure when I didn’t get everything done.  If the things that don’t get done are important, they just carry over to the next list.  Somehow I manage the time-sensitive things like mailing the taxes and making the deposits and feeding all the animals.  The rest gets done in a somewhat more haphazard manner.

       
Sometimes it seems to smack me in the face, this racing time, like my life is a runaway train.  I get the sense that I’m not keeping up with all I want to be, or do, or see.  Then I can have a somewhat frantic response of needing to figure it out, get busy, make a bucket list, plan for our retirement, “get our affairs in order,” so to speak.  We have begun cleaning up our estate plans and at least have a list of loose ends that need to be tied up in that area, but what I really seek is to slow down my inner experience of time.  I don’t want to be frantically trying to make the most of my time, with the remaining time that I have left!  

       Recent musings about time:  My husband, J.P., has been playing phone tag for several months with an old friend he hadn’t spent much time with in several years.  They had discussed getting together for lunch, but never booked it.  One morning last week J.P. had three appointments cancel and he had a rare wide-open day.  He called his friend and arranged to come pick him up for lunch.  As he described it to me that evening, his day was full of surprises.  The first thing he shared is that his friend, our age, is in poor health with what can be lumped into the “old age” category – trouble walking, trouble seeing and trouble focusing.  He’s not driving anymore and has way reduced his activities.  The five hours they spent together enriched J.P.’s life in several ways.  He said he was overwhelmed with a combination of gratitude for his own good health, compassion for his friend and a sense of commitment to being in his friend’s life on a regular basis.  He said it was as if time was suspended that day.  He never felt rushed, never checked his cell phone and had a sense that he was in the perfect place all day.  Mind you, this is a man who usually has to monitor his cell phone at all times!  He had shifted his priorities and was full of gratitude, with a strong sense of purpose.  Time well spent.

       Later in the week, I was on my way home from my morning work out, lunch with my ladies from the gym, and senior day at the car wash.  I had lots planned for the rest of the day - working in my yard, in my house and at my desk.  I had come almost all the way up the hill from town when the phone rang in my car and it was J.P.  He was in Beverly Hills with a broken down truck and an afternoon filled with appointments.  He needed me to come and get him and drive around while he finished his appointments.  Oh, how I wanted to get out of giving up my plans, and having to drive around L.A. in afternoon traffic. 

       As I turned my car around and got back on the freeway, my mind was swirling with all sorts of thoughts like “what if I had an appointment or important plans” - which I didn’t.  I was cranky and full of self-pity as I negotiated the traffic.  Fortunately I caught-on to my wallowing ways, shifted my focus and turned the radio on.  The trip across town went fairly quickly considering the traffic, thanks to my husband’s directions (he’s a walking, talking map of L.A.) and I drove straight to where he was stranded.  We finished the rest of his appointments with me driving and him directing and talking on his cell phone.  We didn’t get home until after 7:00 but we did it together, with some conversation and even a little laughter along the way. 

       I am so blessed that I can usually catch my mind before it drags me into a nightmare of resentment and negativity.  I spent my time differently that day than I had planned.  I “lost” the time I had allotted for certain chores.   Who knows if some of them will ever get done?  Oh well, at the moment, I can’t even remember what they were, but I had a happy day with my husband, and have a renewed and fresh appreciation of how he spends a great deal of his time, providing for the life we enjoy.  Time well spent. 

Don't Take Things Personally

       When I was writing “The Lazy Woman’s Guide to Just About Everything” with my friend Bridget Fonger, I tried not to read any “self-help” or inspirational material.  I know my mind is somewhat like a sponge that indiscriminately picks up whatever it touches.  This can be useful, but it can’t be controlled.  Often it is something that I only realize I remember when playing a game like Trivial Pursuit.  Then I don’t even know how I know something, or where the information came from.  I wanted to avoid unknowingly plagiarizing. 

       One day when I arrived at the cute little cottage where Bridget was living at the time, she was on the phone.  I sat down next to her desk and was greeted by her dog Charlie.  After our hello encounter he went back to his toys and I looked over at the book on her desk.  She had mentioned really liking it and I liked the cover art so I picked it up.  It was “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.  I opened it to check out the format since we were beginning to debate the format for our own book.  As I flipped through the pages I read this bold print: “Don’t take anything personally.”  This was right up my Lazy Woman alley.  What a simple yet profound statement.  It went along with our commandment number five, “You can either be right or be happy.” 

       Bridget’s call ended and we got to work, but my spongy mind didn’t forget.  That was all I ever read of that book, but I use it often.  Over the years I shared that advice and recommended the book to several people plagued with resentment.  A man I meet at the pool at a dude ranch in Wyoming was sharing about some of his family issues.  Yes, I am the kind of person who seems to have this type of exchange with random people!  It was a very brief encounter but I shared the wisdom from Don Miguel Ruiz and recommended the book.  Several days later when we were about to leave, he came up and told me what a powerful impact that advice had already had on his life.  He had been applying it to the relationship that had been troubling him, and it had already made a huge difference.

       When I think about what it is that often creates contention in my life, it is not so much the event, but the reaction I have to it.  Even the everyday things like criticism by my husband or children can create waves if I take it personally.  Now, I’m not saying there isn’t any sting, a momentary flash of “how could they think that about me?”  But the genius comes in the letting go of the “insult,” the choice to not take it personally.  I have been consciously practicing this for quite a few years and it makes for a much more peaceful life.

       Once, we went for a weekend visit with friends who had retired to an amazing bucolic spread.  We had a beautifully prepared dinner, warm conversation and retired to our lovely guest quarters.  When we woke in the morning we found that our hostess had been called away on an emergency, so we spent the rest of the weekend as a threesome.  This was a bit odd, but fortunately we didn’t take it personally and enjoyed the rest of the trip.  Several years later, we got the same invitation and joined our friends for another weekend visit.  Another beautifully prepared meal, welcoming after dinner chatter and lovely guest quarters awaited us.  When our hostess wasn’t there in the morning, again called away on an emergency, it was impossible not to have some mind chatter.  I thought back on the night before, but couldn’t come up with anything that we said or did that could have been problematic.  There were no heated debates or secrets revealed over too much wine.  Frankly, it was all so pleasant that it was a mystery.  Not taking it personally made it possible to enjoy another long weekend.

       These two strange encounters were a warm up for a very odd event that happen more recently.  I had only one sibling, my brother Paul, who died suddenly in his early fifties.  His wife and I had never been real close but after he died she became more involved in my widowed mother’s life and therefore in mine.  For at least ten years we shared season tickets to the theater, a gift from my mom.  We also spent time helping my mom through her last years.  My sister-in-law helped with her finances and I did all the doctor’s visits and medicine.  We actually spent more time together, including whole family events like birthdays, holidays and weddings, but after my mom died we could go months without contact.  Usually, I called the week before a theater date because the tickets came to me. When I called both her home phone and her cell phone and got the “no longer in service” message, and her email could not be delivered, it didn’t take me long to put together the pieces. 

       Over dinner at our last theater outing she had told me about how she and her long time boy friend were planning to move permanently to his retirement home now that they were both retired.  We chatted about retirement, how to downsize and future plans.  She also brought me a small box with some of my brother’s family mementoes.  Now, this had never been a relationship I would call close.  I am more of an open book, and she was a little hard to read, but we had been through some challenging times, and we worked well together.  It was only after she moved without telling me and leaving no information on how to reach her, that I realized she was moving on, without including any of her late husband’s family.  What a perfect opportunity to “not take it personally.”  This is what she wanted as she moved forward in her life.  Any one else can have opinions about what she could have or should have done, but why judge, it’s her life.  I wish her well.  I hope she is happy.  

 “Don’t take things personally.” 

              Beauty the duck has to practice "don't take it personally" with the hens every day.