The Three Foot Wall

     
                                               

      I love the Serenity Prayer.  For anyone not familiar with it, it goes, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Saying it always makes me feel better.  Maybe I won’t be able to discern what I can and cannot change, but at least it underlines the reality that there are many things I have no control over.  Otherwise my mind is a little like a dog with an empty peanut butter jar – relentless to get at what it can’t reach, frustrated and stuck trying!

       For so much of my life I have felt compelled to try to solve any problem that came my way - mine or anyone else’s who confided in me.  I was going to say “anyone who asked for my help,” but honestly, most of the time I volunteered or just jumped right in.  This, of course, is worth a whole thesis on my well honed enabling, but that can come at a later date!

       Last night I was listening to an interview with Navy Seal, Mark Owen, who was describing some of the best advice he had ever received.  He was telling about a rock- climbing trip when at three hundred feet up he froze.  The instructor made his way over to him and said, “ ‘Hey buddy. Stay in your three-foot world.’ ‘What are you, what the hell are you talking about?’ He says, ‘Look, you can't affect anything outside of three feet around you, can you?’ I'm like, ‘Well, no.’ ‘So stay in your three-foot world. Look inside your three-foot world, find the next hand hold, and climb your way out.’ I climbed my way out, and I've applied that analogy to so many things in my life. If I can't affect them, don't worry about it. You can't. People waste so much of their time and-- and effort worrying about things outside of their control. Learn from them, move on, and don't worry about it.’ “

          For me, this concept applies to everything.  When faced with simple daily problems it translates into doing what is at hand and/or vital to accomplish that day. Often it’s just the car repair, doctor’s appointment, daily calendar items, and sometimes it’s household maintenance emergencies.  If I relax and move through the day most things get done, and the rest just moves to a later date.  It can actually enhance any efforts to get things done NOW instead of waiting until you can do a better job of it – which in my case can lead to unlimited procrastination! 

         When it’s greater “life” problems often there is nothing I can do at the moment, and thinking about future difficulties just saps my energy with F.E.A.R. (Future Events Already Ruined) thinking!  I am especially prone to paralysis when the issues are in someone else’s hands.  If I am dependent on another person’s actions it creates a whole different level of concern.  It doesn’t matter if it’s my issue or a concern I have about how someone I care about is managing their life, I usually have some pretty clear ideas of what would be best for me (them.)  The three foot world view keeps my attention on what is right in front of me instead of in someone else’s life or in the future.  It really is another way of visualizing the “one step at a time” credo.   

         Focusing on my “three foot world” energizes me.  Right now, instead of looking up my old blog entries to re-write in my head (correcting the flaws that are all too obvious from my current perspective,) clicking around online, or stopping to take a break hoping I will come up with an inspired finish, I will just wrap up this entry.  When I am contained in my three foot world my tendency to over think, decide and re-decide how to do something, or become mired in my desire to find the perfect solution, gives way to just finding the next handhold and climbing my way out.

Chicken getting off the wall.

                                                                                   

Climate Change

                                               

       The last few weeks of September were killer hot in Southern California.  There was a lot of whining going on (me included) when we had a week with triple digit weather where it didn’t even cool down at night.  This is particularly brutal for us because we are most often blessed with beautiful weather.  October brought some foggy mornings and cool evenings - than back to the heat.  With the usual talk of global warming and “climate change” I can only think back to my elementary school years, and every fall sweltering in my unforgiving school uniform.  On this kind of climate change discussion I can only recommend the documentary “Cool It” by Bjorn Lomburg.  The kind of climate change I am writing about is much more personal.

       When I was writing about “Flying Monkeys” it was necessary to look at my usual reaction to angry words hurled my way, especially when in marital conflicts.  Verbal intimidation is my husband’s Olympic skill and my response, and personal Gold Medal, is “the freeze out.”   This is the kind of climate change my loved ones are most familiar with in me.  Other words used to describe this kind of response are shutting down, distancing one’s self or freezing out.  The actions can include heavy sighing, slight head nodding or shaking, pursed lips, maybe even a strong huff followed by a grimace, and almost always walking away is involved.  Now, it has taken awhile for me to fully own this behavior, and it didn’t happen over night.

       For years I thought this was a fairly positive way to deal with conflict. I could use it to avoid getting into a verbal battle that might escalate into a screaming match, and it seemed more mature than losing my cool.  Since my husband has an intimidating voice I was destined to lose anyway, so I honed my skills in quite retaliation.  When the dust had settled on an argument I used to tell him that his explosions always made anything I did look refined.  And I could always justify myself by observing that how he acted, was so unacceptable.  Poor me, what else could I do.

       The problem with this is that there’s no possibility for any growth or enlightenment on my part unless I am looking at myself.  It is my reaction, my actions that I can change.  There is a 12 step saying: Don’t take anyone’s inventory but your own.  When I am blinded by self-righteousness and continue to focus on someone else’s shortcomings there is zero chance for me to see where I am part of the problem.  I need to step back and watch my own behavior, keep my own side of the street clean. 

I have recently added a prayer to our morning ritual to help me practice this.

       Dear Lord, Help me to see my shortcomings when I am focused on someone else’s behavior.  Let me see my habits when they are reflected in the things other people do that bother me.  And help me to give up my attachment to them.

Flying Monkeys!

                                   

            I’ve seen some posters and T-shirts with the saying “Don’t make me release the flying monkeys” or a very cute plaque that reads, “I’ve got flying monkeys and I’m not afraid to use them.”  This, of course, brings to mind the image of the Wicked Witch from “The Wizard of Oz” releasing her flying monkeys - complete with that music of impending doom.  It’s bad news for Dorothy, her cohorts, “and her little dog too!”  These T-shirts and posters are meant to be clever, and maybe a bit of warning that the owner is not to be trifled with.  Once, I almost got a particularly stylish plaque for my office that read, “You know it’s been a good day when I didn’t have to unleash the flying monkeys on you.” 

       Recently, I started to think about what people meant by releasing their “flying monkeys.”  I can’t be sure of anyone’s intentions, but I’m guessing it’s an unleashing of pent up judgment, frustration and anger - a verbal barrage of some sort.  I can certainly identify moments when I’ve done this, most frequently in arguments with my husband in the earlier years of our marriage.  The obvious culprits are the people who become enraged - yell, use obscenities, and try to intimidate someone with their anger.  These are the people who really “fly off the handle” and lose their temper.  In our case this would have been my husband.  Now, he didn’t do it very often, but when he did, even the dog ran for cover. 

       My “flying monkeys” were much more subtle.  I actually felt they were helpful creatures.  I became somewhat dispassionately reasonable and my brain would go in to hyper-drive to find the right words to counter the attack.  The words “manipulate” and “passive aggressive” come to mind, although I also had my share of flying off the handle monkeys.  

       Over the almost fifty years that we’ve been married, we each have been blessed along the way with the willingness to look at what makes us tick.   As our insight into our own behavior, our role in our own misery (credit Dennis Prager for that choice of words,) has grown; we have left many of the monkeys behind.  The most recent assists have come from the Ala-Non program.  The daily readers “One Day at a Time in Ala-Non” and “Courage to Change” always provide inspiration. 

       Recently, when we were going through a challenging time with someone we love, my husband was ready to unleash some flying monkeys.  He was rehearsing some of his thoughts when I suggested we do our daily meditative reading.  He picked up “One Day at a Time in Ala-Non” and read: “…Does the voice of God have a chance to be heard over my angry shouting?  What is the purpose of letting myself fly apart in reckless tantrums? I cannot punish anyone without punishing myself.  The release of my tensions, even if it seems justified, leaves dregs of bitterness behind.  Unless I have deliberately decided that my relationship has no further value in my life, I would do well to consider the long-range benefits of quiet acceptance in times of stress.” 

       Now, this is a man who read “Conversations with God” years ago and has been open to the many ways God speaks to us, so he got the message immediately.  His position changed from judgment and anger, to love and compassion, and the relationship in question is not only thriving but growing deeper every day.   My mind had already been playing with the idea of hurtful words used as “flying monkeys,” so this reading was part of my on-going conversations with God.

       Meanwhile, why not banish the “flying monkeys?” 

              

                

Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys

                                                             My Circus...

                     Recently I had the unsettling experience of being caught in the middle of a heated argument.  I was unaware that moments before I sat down there had been a stressful exchange, and that tensions were already simmering.  I knew both parties well, and was privy to some of their opinions about the other’s behavior.  As the challenges and counter-challenges flew, the room filled with pressure.  I tried to suggest a de-escalation but frankly I don’t think either one heard a word I said.  It didn’t end well and I was left alone in the aftermath wondering if I should somehow try to mediate a resolution.

       I was still trying to figure out if I should intervene when my husband came home and I described the incident.  When I asked him what he thought he pretty quickly assessed that it sounded like both parties were forgetting one of “The Four Agreements” and making a lot of assumptions.  All their anger was based on perceptions, assumptions and judgments.  Here entered the thought in my mind “not my circus, not my monkeys.”  This may sound pretty flip but it carries the essence of a newly honed truth in my life.  After years of spiritual reading, retreats and practice it was Al-Anon that taught me how to apply this in my life.  Even though Bridget and I had thought this principle important enough to make it one of our “Lazy Woman’s Seven Commandments” – YOU ARE A SEPARATE PERSON – putting it in to practice had always been a challenge for me.  Apparently it was in my DNA and all my formative years of trying to rescue people, including all the orphans all over the world that I tried to help by raising money selling Holy Childhood Christmas Seals, were training for the professional level enabler I achieved as an adult.  Now mind you, I’m aware that I am loving and have nothing but the best intentions.  I just had a total unawareness of how my “helping” didn’t always help - how it robbed people of finding their own way. 

       I did not mention the disagreement to either person and they did not bring it up to me.  I have no idea how they stand with one and other, but I did see them talking at a gathering.  Imagine that!  They were able to find some level of resolution without my input. Is their relationship fully healed?  Are they masking their anger and brewing more resentment?  Did they talk things out as I would have suggested? I have no idea, and I quickly dismiss any thought of what’s up with them if it crosses my mind.  The “not my circus, not my monkeys” approach leaves me with a lot more energy for my own life.

       Yesterday an out of town friend called and was telling me about his cousin who has had a falling out with her adult daughter.  From his brief description it’s a disagreement about the grandkids.  I didn’t let him go in to details because it’s not about my opinion on what’s the best policy, or who’s right, the mother or the grandmother.  The bottom line is that it’s the mother’s job to decide how to raise her kids and the grandmother needs to give in.  As a grandmother I know this is not always easy but it is your role to give your opinion and then back off.  We are not talking abuse, addiction or neglect. We’re talking how much TV, sweets, homework, bedtime, etc. - the kinds of decisions that parents make, debate, re-negotiate and have the task of implementing.

       I know this grandmother adores and misses her grandkids, and that they miss her in their lives.  Even if she thinks her parenting views are much better for them she is not raising these children.  How tragic that they are all denied each other’s company because of a difference of opinion.  This is a case of protecting one’s ego, needing to be right, and it is causing pain and heartache for her, her daughter and her grandkids.  This is where the way to go is to swallow your pride, make a phone call – eat a little humble pie.

       Thinking that you know best leads to all sorts of problems in relationships.  Praying, meditating and reading 12 Step literature always open up possibilities where I see only dead ends. “When I let go of a situation, I allow life to unfold according to that plan.  I open my mind and let other ways of thinking or behaving enter in.  By keeping the focus on myself, I let go of other people’s problems and I can better cope with my own…I will remind myself…that I am powerless over anyone else, that I can live no life but my own.  Changing myself for the better is the only way I can find peace and serenity.” (Courage to Change – One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II)

       Just remember “not my circus, not my monkeys” - and stay inside of your own hula-hoop! 

                           Some of my many monkeys!