Face Value

In my entry, “Wrinkles and Waves,” I mentioned that I get a daily reminder of my age when I sit down at the mirror in the morning.  I have one of those magnifying mirrors that sits on a dressing table in a sunny window, so I can actually see what I’m doing when I prepare my face to meet the the day.  This ritual usually includes nourishing oil, moisturizing sunscreen and tinted moisturizer.  If I have time I sit at the mirror long enough to deal with stray eyebrows, taking special note of any that have strayed south into chin territory.  Whatever the duration, it is impossible to mistake the passage of time that shows on my skin.

       I have flirted with the idea of seeking one of the modern miracles offered for keeping a youthful face, but there are so many different procedures that it’s daunting.  The dermatologist’s office has brochures about what’s available, and magazine and TV ads show impressive before and after photos.  But when I look at some of the faces on film of women in my age bracket they can be pretty scary!  I figure that celebrities have access to the best in the business, and way more money than I do; yet some of them end up looking so odd.  The results of their cosmetic tinkering gone awry is regular fodder for tabloid cover stories (a particular favorite of mine in the check-out line.)  Clearly, it’s a big gamble choosing the right doctor and the right procedure.  I haven’t ruled out giving something a try in the future but for now I’ll stick with what I know.

       I have had several “spot removal” sessions at the dermatologist over the last few years.  It’s quick, inexpensive, and with no down time.  Don’t know what it’s called but several times I have had spots “frozen” on my arms, hands and face.  They scab up, fall off and are gone or leave a much lighter mark.  I have also had what I think is called a glycolic acid peel.  The solution is applied to my face, left on for about five minutes, and then rinsed off.  My skin looks and feels like I got too much sun, is dry for about a week, flakes a bit and then has a nice glow for quite some time.

       I hadn’t done this in about a year so last week I went in for the mild peel.  When the dermatologist looked at my chart he told me that the last time he had used a certain strength and left it on for so many minutes. He then asked how I had tolerated it.  Using a hazy year old memory of my last session I told him I had a mild reaction.  He asked if I wanted to try a bit stronger and longer.  Well, I wanted to freshen up my face, didn’t I?

       The results, in chronological order:  1) When I rinsed it off after seven stinging minutes, I forgot to close my eyes so it stung my eyes until I remembered to shut them.  2) By the time I got home my face was so “sun burned” that I put ice packs on it 3) The skin around my eyes filled up with fluid and got puffy. 4) The next day I cancelled all plans and stayed in. 

       On day three the real test began. The white caps that I wrote of in my last entry caused me to be in a public place for about five hours.  All I could put on my face before leaving the house was some healing oil, so I was aware that I looked pretty bad.  Puffy-eyed and fiery-faced, I looked as if I had been in some sort of accident.  I was so focused on the task at hand that mostly I forgot my face, but occasionally I did have to interact with people, or make eye contact and I felt uncomfortable.           

        During the hours that I was in public, mostly listening and waiting for it to be over, I reflected on the role my appearance plays in my sense of wellbeing.  Among the things that I noticed was that after awhile my appearance was not on my mind until physical symptoms reminded me – my eyes started to water or my skin felt particularly hot and tight.  Then I would get self-conscious again and think that everyone in the room must be wondering what happened to me.  It is not enjoyable to feel ill at ease, to think everyone thinks that something is wrong with you.  It is also very self-centered.  People have their own issues, their own agendas on their minds, not how I look.  My issues about my appearance are just that, my issues.  My thoughts when I see “flaws” in myself – wrinkles, spots, and extra pounds – are created in my head.  There is not a panel of people I come in contact with rating me on a daily basis.   

       Well, the redness is gone, my eyes are back to normal and there is a nice glow to my skin.  I will probably do this again next year - not quite so long and with my eyes closed tight during the rinse!  And I may indulge in some other skin therapy, but I will make sure that my last look before I step away from the mirror for the day is into the non-magnified side, with my glasses off!  After all, I don’t really want to focus on every flaw, but then I don’t want to erase the passage of time from my face altogether.  Not only would that lead me in the direction of some of the truly scary faces I see on aging celebrities, but it would undo the traces of the passage of time I see in my mirror.  Just as the Old Masters embraced in their paintings, the little black speck on the piece of fruit, the natures mortes, the notion of ‘death in life,’ I want my face to mirror what is happening in my life.

                                 Visiting the zoo I noticed hippo's glowing skin!